Beware cowards, I live!

Sonata is one hell of a worthless medication. Five pills, five hour half live, eight hours of sleep. Bullshit! I didn't even get to talk to God. Shame, i've still got questions for the guy. My dad was feeling all sorry so he asked if I wanted to drive. Small problem: Asking me to drive is like giving a T1 line to a pervert, you know whats going to happen.

So I got into an argument with my father.

"Are you going to do your homework?"

"I dunno, maybe."

"What, is it too hard?"

I shrugged.

"Oh, so you're giving up because it's not easy."

I shrugged.

This continued for a few minutes.

"I think I should come over there and slap you."

"Why don't you? Comon, go ahead."

"I don't want to hit you."

"Well I want to hit you."

Needless to say, a fight ensued with my mom screaming at me to stop and my dad trying to keep me from hitting him in the face. I just wanted him to get out. He wouldn't, so I left. I walked up to Party City and talked to Ben. I got him to let me sleep in his car for a little bit. He talked to me on his break and took me back home. Basically he thinks all i'm doing is setting arbitrary goals and trying to achieve them, such as trying to get into the University of Chicago. Do I really want to go to college? Why do I want to go anyway? What do I really want from life? Well, nothing. I guess thats sort of the problem, nothing in life really interests me so i'm left to find arbitrary goals and to define myself as a success or failure based on the achievement of those goals.

I don't really see a problem with that, though. I mean, setting goals for an arbitrary reason isn't really any different from setting them because you arbitrarily feel some sort of desire or a call from god, as long as you aren't hurting anyone but yourself. I guess the problem is that i've set my goals high enough above me that theres no way for me to feel successful. Furthermore, since my goals are arbitrarily set, i'm always setting my goal higher than what I have, therefore I can never succede.

No, that isn't true. I was all ready to not worry about Yale and Princeton inevitably rejecting me if I got into Chicago. Maybe it's setup that way. Maybe i'd have gotten into Chicago if it would have made me miserable and unhappy.

Life just isn't something I've ever enjoyed, I guess. I'm probably just not suppose to. It's probably the downard spiral of karma or something. My head hurts, and I don't feel like dealing with anything. I think i'll go to sleep.
RE: Mitzi

Hey, how's it going? Sorry you had a fit, but as i've learned that's pretty much par for the course whenever I talk to people. Personally, I don't think I threatened suicide so much as I planned to have a semi-controlled experience whereupon I would either a) hallucinate something freaky b) talk to god. He's a pretty important guy, or so they say, so I have to do something rather fierce to get his attention. As for killing myself, when I get to that point, i'll just fucking do it. I'm a pretty smart guy and it's really not that hard to kill yourself. As a rule, human beings aren't built for wear and tear. The biggest safeguard against it is sheer laziness. People just don't feel like going through the hassle of jumping into traffic and going into the hospital.

Yes, it's true, it's a pretty fucking brutal thing to do. Then again, i'm not really a nice person that is well liked and respected. In fact, i'm pretty callous, and I more or less admit to being a monster. That isn't to say Hitler and Osama are my heroes or anything.

Basically the problem comes down to this, i'm a perfectly sane person who has become extremely disaffected, and quite frankly, I reject my circumstances. I just don't believe that humanity, or most of the people I know, for that matter, are redeemable.

The competition complex: Everyone isn't out to get you, everyone is out to get everyone. How many times were you cut off in traffic today? Ever seen someone laugh at anothers misfortune? I once saw a guy who laughed because he forced an older woman into an accident with an ambulence. I use to think he was the exception to the rule. I've come to believe otherwise.

The superiority complex: We all have it. Why is one college better than another? Essentially society has forced itself into a complex struggle which no one can win. As a result, we all try to present ourselves in some way, shape, or form, as better than our peers. In some cases, this completely devolves into primitivism, such as the social system of the old south, followed by Reconstruction and Jim Crow. Or hey, how about that whole holocaust thing? I don't get how this can cause people to question God but not humanity. Seriously, Hey, humanity, about that whole holocaust thing? Guess what, humanity doesn't have an answer. What am I doing now? Ah, to become what you behold to be evil.

How did I get here, you ask? Do you really want to know why I hate everything? Well, i'll tell you. Nothing personal but I don't feel like giving you the long version. For the most part it isn't any of your business.

The short story is I had the shit beaten out of me every day for about a year because people thought I was a homosexual. Believe it or not, this took place in the fifth grade. Yes, it is absurd. Life is absurd, so i've learned. I dealt with post traumatic stress for the next five or so years, then I dropped out of high school after my first year. From that point forward my life has been pretty much over no matter what I do, at least academically. Once you've dropped out you've dropped out, and it's pretty much that way forever, even if you come back. So here I am. Disaffected and not really here. As far as i'm concerned i've pretty much been dead to everything for the past five years anyway.

Dear Mr. xxx
The committee on Undergraduate Admission has examined your application for admission to the University of Virginia and has carefully considered your credentials, both academic and extracurricular. I am sorry that we are unable to include you among those selected for the class entering in the fall of 2003.

I can assure you that the Committee members take their responsibilities seriously and have tried to make selections with equity and good judgment. We received nearly 15,000 applications for only 3,040 spaces and the qualify of those applications was extraordinarly high, making the competition intense.

We appreciate the interest you have shown in the University of Virginia and wish you every success in furthering your education.

Yours sincerely,
John A. Blackburn
Dean of Admission

1. No, they don't wish me every success. Thats what this letter is about.
2. No, they aren't sorry.
3. What they mean by extraordinarily high is: extraordinarly higher than mine.
Christ, and this was suppose to be a safety. My ass. Damn Wahoo's.
Talked to the guy from Chicago and he basically told me that my application just wasn't good enough compared to everyone who applied. I don't really know what to do anymore.