Where to start?
I honestly feel that I
know what a
love/
hate relationship really is.
Its
how you feel when the
woman you
love, the
person you would trade your
soul for, your
best friend in the
universe,
betrays you, your
feelings, and
everything that passed between you.
Jen was my
love, my
best friend, she was my
heart. She
betrayed me, and she
used me... repeatedly.
I've never quite
recovered from it, and it doesn't really matter any longer, i
guess. I have learned to
trust again. Thats a
start.
I
love her.
I
hate her.
Its definetly an uncomfortable feeling
being in love with the person you
hate more than anything in the
world... even 5 years later.
~sigh~
Sat Jan 26 2002
In retrospect: Another couple of years have passed. I
loved her. I
hated her. I've grown up mentally, and finally I've been able to
forgive her. The real
tragedy is that *I* let her do what was done. That I didn't
respect myself enough to stop what occured. That is the real
tragedy.
Sun Jul 14 2002
Even further
in retrospect: She got
in touch with me again. She said the one thing that could melt the barriers around my heart. She said she was sorry.
I still care about her after
everything that happened. That scares me alot. I'll never give her a chance to hurt me again, but the feeling is still there, and the walls still have to be put up. Maybe someday I'll trust her again... but I really doubt it.
Sun Feb 23 2003
Now... it's been a while, we quit talking for a couple months because I felt she was treating me like an object... a possession... she expected things I couldn't give and what I felt didn't matter, only what she felt. Then a week or so ago we started talking again, no apologies either way... but I think we're on clearer ground...