He’s doing it again tonight, this will be the third time this month, basically every week. I don’t understand why? I think he knows how I feel and his only excuse is that everybody else does it and its normal behaviour. What I don’t understand is, why just because its considered ‘normal’ that it means its also acceptable and okay. Normal by definition is relative, what is normal is relative to the behaviour of the majority of people you are surrounded by. In America it is ‘normal’ for gang members to kill others not of the same colours as them, does this make it right? Just because its ‘normal’? what a typical excuse by a sheep. Perhaps I am no better in behaving in ways purposefully opposite to the norm, feeling outcast and being out of the norm is better than feeling pathetic and being in the norm though.

I feel that it is such a waste of life when people have potential to easily change their position in life for the better whether that be in love, work, status, education etc. but don’t. It’s like when people have a high IQ but don’t use it. It is such a pathetic waste of life and I can’t stand to see it

I don’t know what to do, every time he tells me ‘I’m getting drunk’ I feel a pain, a sick bad pain in my stomach, and that’s not good, I feel like crying, I am crying (the ink has smudged) I don’t know how much of this behaviour I can take. I wonder why he does it and I know there is nothing I can do about it, knowing I’ll continue feeling this discomfort, should I even say anything, should I just forget about it, it seems only I have a problem, I don’t want to cause any problems, its not everyday that I meet the best guy in the world. Should I be the annoying girlfriend who tries to control and change people and make an issue out this, force him to speak, should I just give this journal entry, I want to let him know what’s going on in my mind somehow. I get into a weird phrase when he isn’t around and I’m at home alone while he is getting drunk and having a good time. I’ll have to make new friends other than his friends otherwise when we break up I’ll have no one left. I always doubt us, at times like this, I just feel like not going near anyone, and if I’m around him all we do is bonk. I need to see a psychologist. I wish I didn’t miss him so much. I think I need or should be alone but I don’t want to be, I don’t know, I think I know I don’t want to see him or especially hear about his drunken times, that he can remember. I know that this used to bother me before, but not like this, I’ve never felt sick like this, I guess I’ve also never thought I’d have to live or bear to be near him, before I would just not see him for ages and that would be okay. Also I never knew the extent of the problem, text book definitions make it clearer what constitutes an abuse problem, something I didn’t know before. I don’t think he could change, it would be too difficult to be surrounded by people and being the only one inferior to the rest, I know that feeling all too often and I’d prefer to not be surrounded by such people because I don’t have the strength to stay.

I don’t want him to change, but then, I don’t know how much I can tolerate. I asked him for his rationalisations that he gives himself for all his decisions past and present, he hasn’t answered, nor spoken, yet, though I doubt he will.

I feel like its just me, my stance against the world, I wish I could meet more people like me, perhaps it is me who should change but I doubt I could accept nor like myself if I did.