I haven’t been feeling well lately, like since Wednesday.
I haven't been able to sleep well, been having disruptive dreams
like as if I’m just going with the flow
, nothing in life
I don’t want to do anything or see
I don’t know what to do with myself
I feel disappointed
with every aspect of my life
, I have no idea
what I’m going to do with myself in the next few year
s, and I can’t help
about it. I can’t help the way I’m feeling. This despair
I feel like a plastic bag floating in the ocean, just floating around, waiting to either kill a some kind of fish because it eats the plastic bag, or to be swept up on a beach and put in the bin, or some how sink to the bottom, either way, the plastic bag is not supposed to be there and nothing good can come of it being there. It was only put there by careless people who didn’t think what they were doing by not taking care of it properly.
I hate how I feel like as if I don’t belong in this world.
I seem to feel disappointed at everything, even when it isn’t warranted. I’ll see things that seem to be a disappointment when usually it probably wouldn’t be.
I know communication is important in a relationship, but how do you communicate to someone how you’re feeling, when you don’t understand it yourself. You just start talking out of your arse as I am now of the possibilities and explanations.
I know that because of the way I’m feeling I will notice more things that affirm what I’m feeling instead of the heaps of things that don’t. I know there is a lot more homework that I could have done in my time alone, but I question what is the point of it, if I’m not going to be able to practise the training I’ve learnt sufficiently.
An example of how I notice disappointing things that I wouldn’t normally is how I feel like he only misses me when he has nothing better to do and when he is alone, he doesn’t miss me as I do him when he is with others, so therefore he only wants to see me when he is bored and doesn’t have anything better to do. I know the real case is that he has the ability to put me at the back of his mind when he needs to, a skill I wish I had, a skill I’ve been practising by trying to get lots of work done and not see him, or speak to him much like I normally would by bothering him with my sms’, he probably didn’t notice that we hadn’t spoken for 42hrs.
I can just see myself in the future wanting to be away from everything for an un specified time, and not being able to because of the obligations of living with someone, until it gets too much and I’d have to separate from everyone for a while, until I’m ready to walk amongst the living again.
With the idea that I can’t do what I’m training to do, I’ll take little things that don’t work as a sign of my eventual failure. I fear that what I’m doing is just a waste of time and money and nothing helps.
I know that there is nothing he can do about it, which must be frustrating for him, nor do I believe though that there is anything that he should do about it, I believe that it is just the way that we are and an area for me to learn to cope with.
I guess I’m just jealous that he has friends that what to spend time with him, and do stuff, just out of the blue. I’m jealous that he has talents to create things like music and programs.
It is so annoying when we see each other so much and when we don’t see each other for a day or whatever, people ask what the matter is, fuck it shits me up the wall.
I don’t see how there is anything I can do to stop feeling this way, even though I know consciously there has to be.
Another Disappointment, my monitor that I had so much trouble getting fixed, just died again, a week out of its 6 months warranty that I had to push for. Of course.
I wonder if today, because he is home alone if it would seem to me that he is missing me more, I wonder while I’m at work if he’ll send more sms or even call than he has in the past few days, it would put weight to my delusions that he only misses me when he is alone, I doubt he has anything better to do, it is a public holiday, but yay double time for me at work.
Although I feel guilty when I don't send sms, or reply to sms's, especially when I'm at work, and I can't, I still wish to send sms's all the time, of just little things that are happening in my day, but I try to restrict myself cause I feel like sometimes I may be disrupting something that he is working on or doing.
I had the theory that the belief systems in my mind that have been instilled in me have lead me to believe that I’ll never be successful, I’ll never have some one, blah blah blah – all those types of negative things, therefore with out trying, I seem to find evidence to support these types of ideas, in the most littlest way, for example, I’ll walk out of a room and expect a sms from him when I come back, and I’ll do that all day long, but of course – all day long, nothing comes, oh maybe one, but never when I expect it, so it turns out to be a disappointment, and for no logical reason. This I know, but still can’t help it.