I am at the Carolina Classic, the annual everything2 summit meeting, which is the largest e2 gathering of the year. It is being held in North Carolina, where there are a lot of questions about who gets to go to the bathroom. It is being held here because Reynard, one of the chief site engineers, lives here and had his legs blown off in the everything2 civil war some years back. He's kind of the head honcho around here, in case you are new to the site.
There are about 912 noders in attendance. There are only 200 seats in the Dannye Memorial Pavillion (needs to be noded), so there is a mad rush to secure tickets. I got mine in advance through a scalper since I am essentially in the press corps because I am the only one on e2 writing about this event. It used to be that there were dozens of writeups about nodermeets. Now, no one writes about what happens at them. This is where I come in. I am with the press. I am an archivist. I am a lot better looking than you. You are a nerd. I am gorgeous. I would never have talked to you in high school. I would have been ashamed to be even associated with you. How do you ever get laid with the kind of shit you wear? Clean it up, asshole, or you will NEVER have the tangy taste of pussy (needs to be noded) in your mouth. You will go without. Unless you like a mouth full of semen. You can always find a guy to lay an egg on your tongue. Just walk around downtown offering.
Clevon Large, one of the retired gods, was sitting next to me. I was wearing shorts that were so short that they just barely covered my asshole. He looked me up and down. Infamous womanizer that he is, he put his hand on my thigh and began making me feel really, really good. If you read Clevon Large's writeups back in the day (he Asamothed), then you will remember that he was a mysoginist who used to talk about urinating on people who were transgender in a lot of his writeups. I mean, he used to drop that into writeups like there was no tomorrow. Some kind of obsession. I hope the guy gets help. Otherwise he might end up like that other retired god St. Simone, who drove his car off a cliff to prove that the ending of Thema and Louise was a fabrication.
After listing to the speeches in the pavillion, we all paired up and fucked like rabbits in the woods, as is the e2 gathering tradition. That drove a lot of people away. They didn't like all the sex, especially since it is usually a bunch of those Star Trek people who think Leonard Nimoy was so cool. He wasn't. My mother met him, tried to convince him to come to her hotel room, and he turned her down. Fucking rude.
I picked up two studs and left them breathless in the woods after cutting one of their throats and riding the other reverse cowgirl for 78 minutes (I checked my watch). I won the prize. As you know, one of the noder traditions is that one noder WILL die at the nodermeet. It is always a surprise, until it happens. Whoever does the killing gets rewards on e2. They are usually bumped up to another level, which is why you hear the phrase "bump one off, get bumped up a level" so often in the chat area, i.e. catbox.
There were some federal agents there, and a guy who claimed to be a private investigator, but his fly was down so I did not take him seriously. You just can't. He never pulled it up.
Apparently there are concerns about how much North Korean propaganda is posted on this site. They were targeting one individual, who is likely a North Korean propaganda bot, but pretends to be a noble doctor in the Pacific Northwest region of the United States. They said that some of her propaganda, which appears to be benign, carries a different message. Free speech, they said was one thing. Luring people into the North Korean lifestyle and building shoddy missiles, was another matter. This bot, misrepresenting itself as a woman who has problems with boundaries, is teaching our kids that America is bad. She must be stopped.
The noder was not at the summit, which further proves that she is a bot, controlled by the North Korean generals who bought everything2.com and subsidiaries in 2008. They are trying to track her down. "Rest of life! Solitary cell! Rat shit EVERYWHERE! And the BONES! Find her, and bring her to me. Tasty!"
I don't know how much longer I can handle this. I might leave the summit early.