Boobies do not make the world go round (idea)

I'm sure we all know what boobs are. If not, there are already wonderful explanations, and that is not what I am here for. This is instead about their actual practical applications and usefulness. I heard a great quote recently, "Yes, I has boobs. Yes, most girls have boobs. Some guys have boobs. Let's move on". So, why then are boobs treated so almost sacredly in Western society? Why is it immediately assumed that if a guy is looking at a girl, he is staring at her rack? Why in fact, is this so often actually true? Why must touching them be avoided at all costs? Do we really just over-sexualize everything? I'm not about to attempt to answer any of these questions here. Perhaps I will later, or others can.

Firstly, as a rule, the breasts are further developed on females than males. Why is this? That doesn't sound fair. Clearly all men are not created equal. A popular belief at one stage was that men are superior to women. If this is true, then boobs are immediately rendered unnecessary. Were boobs however, a mistaken endowment on females?

The list of generally-accepted uses for boobs is quite short:
- Breastfeeding
- Sex appeal
- Distinguishing females from males

Breastfeeding is certainly a legitimate point here, as there has yet been found no suitable replacement solution to this basic necessity of newborn babies. Breast-milk is notably however, only required after birth, not before. I am unfortunately unqualified to comment on the value of boobs for sex appeal. However, research indicates that boobs are found highly pleasing to the straight male populace. Seeing as they are not actually necessary for reproduction, I think it can be safely assumed that their sex appeal can be depreciated. As for the last point, could not length of hair or some other such demarkation be used instead? Of all of these, only the last is useful to the owner.

A number of other reasonably common uses:
- As pillows for sleeping on
- Bras as storage devices

Admittedly, boobs are more comfortable than shoulders to sleep on. This use is depreciated though, as alternatives can easily be found. Again, using boobs as pillows does not benefit the owner. Handbags, belts or neck lanyards are a simple storage solution in the case of clothing without any pockets, rendering the use of bras for this purpose redundant.

Now for some somewhat less orthodox applications I've come across:
- Pouring drinks, holding a vessel in the cleavage
- Typing
- Cushioning the force of impact during pedestrian collision
- Bribing guards
- Measuring acceleration
- Guiding rope off a pulley during an escape down the side of a building

So it seems, when you're in a jam, boobs can be extremely useful things. Before I say, "Where's mine!?", there are of course quite a few down-sides to having boobs:

- Back pain
- The need for extra items of underwear
- They get in the way
- Ogling
- Far greater risk of breast cancer
- They become a nuisance in sports
- Detrimental aerodynamic affects
- Throwing one out of a delicate balance
- Dress code

So, now the decision is yours: Are they worth enough to you that you wish you had them, guys?