Deborah Diamond, Private Eye

(A Short Play)

Parts: Voiceover
Deborah Diamond, Private Eye
Hank, the Aggrieved Party
Lou, A Mafioso
Olga, hot Russian bitch

VOICEOVER: In the city of sleepless nights, there exists a world most never see. A world of lawlessness, a world of treachery bereft of sunshine, a world full of hucksters and mildly corrupt Republican businessmen. And those that can’t turn to the law, turn to Deborah Diamond, Private Eye.

(Lights on, Deborah is sitting at a desk, trying to solve a Rubik’s cube.)

DEBORAH: (continuing the voiceover) It was 2 in the morning, and I was having another sleepless night. The cube was mocking me. I’m a private detective, and I can’t even solve a piece of plastic. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

(We hear a knock at the door. Hank enters.)

HANK: Hello?

DEBORAH: And the stuff of dreams walked through my door. He was in trouble. And he was a hunk -- piercing eyes, dreamy buttocks, and legs that went all the way to the floor.

HANK: Excuse me? Were you talking to someone?

DEBORAH: No, sorry. What can I help you with?

HANK: I’ve lost my monkey.

DEBORAH: Isn’t it attached?

HANK: No, not my monkey. My monkey. (holds up a picture of a monkey) I’ve lost my pet monkey Vladimir.

DEBORAH: Lost? Or Stolen?!

HANK: I just don’t know, Miss Diamond. I just don’t know. That’s why I need your help. (getting all weepy) You will help me, right?

DEBORAH: Of course, you poor thing. We’ll start stirring the shit tomorrow and work our way up. We’ll have your monkey in no time. Or E. Coli. One of the two.

HANK: Oh that’s super. I knew you’d help! If we find my monkey, I’ll be so grateful.

DEBORAH: Don’t you worry your pretty little head about a thing. Not a thing.

(Lights out. Lights back on. A mobster is sitting at a desk counting money, with a cigar in his mouth.)

LOU: Who knew liquor and whores could be so profitable?!

(Enter Deborah, followed by Hank.)

LOU: Well, well, well, if it isn’t the dark double x side of the law?

DEBORAH: Can the pleasantries, you snake. I’m here on business. Your business. The business of monkeys.

LOU: Monkeys? I don’t deal in monkeys. We’re purely a beaver affiliated establishment.

HANK: No, my monkey. Vladimir. (shows the picture)

LOU: That’s a nice monkey you’ve got yourself there. It’d be a shame if anything happened to it. Baboon?

HANK: Emperor Tamarin.

LOU: It’s hard to tell without the pink ass.

(Deborah reaches across the table, grabs Lou by the tie, and pulls him halfway across the desk.)

DEBORAH: Enough with the chit-chat. You’re not being frank with us.

LOU: (being strangled) Of course not, I’m Lou!

DEBORAH: Cute. Now check for the monkey.

LOU: (still being strangled, screaming) Olga!

(Enter Olga, hot Russian bitch.)

OLGA: Yes, darling? You appear to be having troubles breazing. Should I call zee boys? In Russia we know how to handle zeese problems.

(Deborah releases Lou, he composes himself in his chair.)

LOU: No, this has just been a misunderstanding between old friends. Also, I’m kind of afraid of her.

DEBORAH: (to Olga) So, do you have any monkeys?

OLGA: Monkeys? No. Vee have some apes here, but zey’re all related to Lou. And no monkeys to speak of.

HANK: Wait. You’re in business with the Soviets?

LOU: Well, that’s really none of your…

OLGA: Hah! Russians, yes. But no Marxists. Is bad for business. Dialectical materialism has no place in honest commercial enterprises like this one.

DEBORAH: Of course not. We don’t tolerate that sort of thing in George Bush’s America. Come on Hank, we’re barking up the wrong tree here. It looks like your Monkey’s leapt the urban jungle for greener arboreal retreats. It seems we've tried everything, short of respectable alternatives, which are no alternatives at all. I’ll keep looking, but don’t get your hopes up, kid.

HANK: Thanks, Deborah. I'll never forget what you've tried to do for me.

(They embrace, it seems like something more will happen, but then Hank pulls away...)

HANK: Oh, my monkey!
(Hank runs out. Lights out. Lights back on, Deborah is once again seated at her desk, trying to solve the Rubik‘s cube.)

VOICEOVER: Three weeks had passed, and Deborah had almost forgotten about the case. Even Hank’s dreamy buttocks seemed like a distant memory.

DEBORAH: (continuing the voiceover) Three weeks passed, and I’d almost forgotten about the case, and Hank’s dreamy buttocks seemed like a distant memory. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

(We hear a knock at the door. Hank enters.)

HANK: Hey, I thought you might want to know what happened to my monkey.

DEBORAH: I had been wondering. He seemed to like me before you ran off.

HANK: Not that monkey, my monkey Vladimir.


HANK: I got this postcard from him today.

(Hank hands her a postcard.)

DEBORAH: Run off to lead the PLF?

HANK: Primate Liberation Front.

DEBORAH: Oh. What about your other monkey?

HANK: He’s been shy lately. But I’d really like to introduce you two.

DEBORAH: Quit being coy and get over here, you big piece of man-meat.

(She slams the cube on the desk. Hank runs towards her and they start making out. Lights out.)