What a sorry mess I am. I realized it again today. I'm not sure what got me started thinking about it, but it's that inevitable downward spiral
once it starts. The realization that things could be a hell
of a lot better, if only I hadn't screwed it up. I'm the one who's to blame
, because I haven't tried putting effort
Time after time in my life, I've done it. Not bothering to worry about something, not bothering to deal with it. Then, reaching the point where it's too late to do anything about it, I realize the consequences. Then I sit, I hate myself for causing this to happen, unsure of why I did it in the first place. Maybe it's just that I've got a serious procrastination problem. Maybe it's my lack of drive, a total lack. A lack that explains 3 1/2 years at my job without a promotion.
Yes, 3 1/2 years. No promition. I try and think that maybe getting into another job will get me motivated again, give me a chance to more or less start over. But I suspect in my field, that it's too late. That my career is essentially already over. That anyone would rather hire just about anyone else but me. I wonder if there's a way out, if I can do something besides find a position as a cashier somewhere. Seems like the last job I had that I did well.
God, I hate myself in these moods. I can only seem to focus on the negative, focus on the bad things. And as it gets worse, I start to consider things to do that I justify by saying they're to spare other people having to deal with me, but I know somewhere inside that they're just to fulfill my negative image of myself. I'm not likely to do them out in the open, loudly, as an attempt to attract attention, but I realize I do want it. I want people to notice, I want them to realize this mess inside me, I want to know someone gives enough of a shit to notice. And I realize this, and it makes me worse. I've seen other people do it, I know it's annoying, I know it makes me not want to help them - so why do I let myself do it?
I wonder about even adding this writeup here... Maybe some people need to see some of the thought processes that occur, need to see what kind of path one takes to end up at this moment, maybe then they might realize it's not just a game, not just an attempt at manipulating people into saying good things, but a serious situation. One that is scary to be in. But I don't want to turn more people away from me. I don't want people deciding I'm not worth their time because of this. I already get in moods where I truly wonder if people do care, because I'm an outsider, I've always been one, and always been upset about it. And I suspect it's my own fault that I am one, and that probably dwelling on it makes me even more of one.
Damn I don't even know what the hell to do... I hope this one goes away like they have in the past, a day or two of dealing with it, and then back to a point where life doesn't seem so horrible. They haven't always though, they've gotten even worse occasionally, and I dread that possibility. I don't want to go there. It's dark, it's cold, it's lonely... it's being trapped in a bubble that you create, pushing people away even as you want them to be closer, uncertain of your actions anymore as they don't make sense.
My tears obscure my vision and make it hard to write. I can't even tell you what is causing them, because it's a void, a void that just hurts, and nothing expresses it. I want it to go away, I need it to go away, and I'm almost ready to find anything I can to make sure it does, and realize there is still a little self-control in there somewhere, probably all that's keeping me together at the moment, and I have to find it, nuture it, focus on it.
I don't know what else to do.