October 28, 2001 (idea)

I think I need to get out of this town.

I do love this place, maybe cause it has made me who I am today. In the past few months my life has been good, but events around me are in disarray. Hermetic was a good man, I only talked to him on occassion, and it was usually smalltalk or bullshit. I miss a man I can never get to meet at some random noder gathering. Then after getting hit by that steam roller, I get barraged by September 11, 2001, so off I go to mentally rescue my friends and help them today with their feelings on the matter, even though I am flying as high as a kite despite the recent events of those two days. So I have had my job for over two months I think it has been. I love it being a cook and I have great pride in the work I do. Now, I think the best option for me is to move out on my own, either elsewhere in town (which is neither possible nor feasible at my current amount of wages), move out to some other large city in the United States of America. If I move out and live in the United States, then I can benefit from SSI, which would be till I got a job with benefits and a Union job would be a plus. I could get into the Ironworkers, I did sit in a jail cell, with an ironworker, we had known each other from before hand at the coffee house we both frequent. He went to find and protect his kids. The police chased a fugitive, that wasn't really a fugitive, but a big misunderstanding by the police. So I go out to check on his wife and kids because he has somehow got into handcuffs, and is 'roughed up' and looks like he got beat up. Then I turn around and ask into the general vicinity of anyone in hearing range, a little bit of criticism.(For the record this was long before 9-11-2001, and that mess ) "Why does it take 20 police officers, with 6 city police cars, two state police cars and a paddy wagon to arrest one guy?".

So the captain turns and comes up to me and asks "do you have a problem?"

I affirm the response with a yeah, yes, or some polite affirmation variation.

So this other police officer that is about 6'5" feet tall, bald, and muscular, confronts me, paraphrased <>.

So to make a long story short I get to go with my friend that I helped to defend, and we end up sharing a cell after I calm down in the solitary cell from a panic attack. So the point of all this is, I thought about suicide again, and as in my previous node, I know it won't happen, I can control this demon. Although I wonder about it all, all my friends that have bipolar disorder and are medicated, they still do crazy stuff, crazier than normal. Drive really fast, cut themselves, do drugs and have an addiction problem with those drugs, or a binge problem with them. Especially alcohol, that's a big one for one guy.

I wonder should I move out, out of town, out of country, and only if possible out of this world?

Then again, this may be a shout out for help, but my therapist said I was fine not more than two days ago, and the only thing that could have caused this was me getting a ticket for driving at a a safe speed on a wet road, a minor offense but still an offense. My insurance is already high and I can't afford it already, and my mother has enough problems keeping our house. I even help out there.