The Message You Will Never Get

It's been nearly a month now. I don't cry every day any more but I am still very very unhappy every day. I am not me, and I'm not sure how to get back to being me. I have gone over every single scenario in my head hundreds and hundreds of times. And still I have no answers, nothing that makes me feel any better. I am completely lost, confused sad, and bereft.

On my rational days I know that you did the right thing my head can give me all kinds of sensible reasons why it would have gone wrong at some time and that the decision that you made for us was the right one. But my heart aches all the time, I could cry now just writing this down. I miss you every day, you are constantly in my head. I think of practically nothing else and I am desperate for you to get in touch with me. But I know that you wont, and the longer you are silent the more I will know that you didn't really love me at all because if you did you would not stay away like this.

I feel that if I could only know how you are feeling then I would be able to move on. Do you miss me, are you unhappy, do you still love me or have you realised with time that it wasn't love at all. Things happen every day that I want to share with you, I want to pick up the phone or send you a message but I don't because I'm not ready to be in contact with you and handle the consequences of what that contact might bring. To be faced with just genuine platonic friendship would be awful, although it would answer the questions I have about how you feel. But I'm not ready to go back to that stage where I wasn't able to control my emotions and to be rejected again would put me back there again.

I still don't understand how you could say, because you felt it right then, that you loved me when we were at my parents house, and that if they came back right then you wouldn't be bothered. That one thing above all others made me really think that we had something really strong that was going to work. And then 4 days later you just finish it.

I wonder if you can understand how that feels to me. Or even if you've thought about it.

Most days I would give anything for us to be together again. Throw it all away to be with you and make it work. This is the truth, the real depth of my feelings. But I keep rationalising,keep telling myself, reminding myself about the things that were wrong, and there were things I know that. Telling myself that all of these things that you gloss over short term will become bigger issues as you see more and more of each other. Sadly separation turns the person who has chosen to leave into the shining knight, the perfect person, the one thing that you can no longer have, and so human nature kicks in and you are more desperate for that person than ever before.

I need to break the spell, bury the ghost, leave you behind.