The Message You Will Never Get

So Valentines day is over and nothing from you. And I didn't want you to, I really didn't but nonetheless I was so very depressed and upset when you didn't. It's getting easier, the rationalisation is getting easier. Convincing myself that I hate you when I don't is not easy though.I still miss you a great deal, and thoughts still cause a physical sensation that makes me wince.

And now I'm dreaming about you. I never did early on, maybe because all my waking thoughts were about you, but now you are in my dreams. I want to reach out to you, hold your hand again, laughwith you, share it all with you. The sunshine makes me sad. Being in the sun is so wrapped up with being with you. How can I convince myself that you're not worth it. I know you're not. I know that you're back with her, been on holiday twice now with her. That you are going to go away, and maybe she will go with you. I hope that happens. For my sake I hope you and her are not around.

I never expected such a physical reaction to seeing you. I'm sorry I run away, I always feel so bad afterwards but I have no idea how to handle seeing you face to face. What would we say? And I might cry, or you might be off-hand and distant and I would be hurt again. So I run away. And I wonder fterwards what you think. Do you think it's because I hate you, I hope not, I hope you understand that it's because I still Love you that I can't see you. Are you disappointed in me do you feel like I've let you down, because before you said I Love You I said We Can Be Friends.

And I'm tired of the sound of my own voice. Tired of going over it all in my head, of lurching from one extreme emotion to another. Physically, mentally and emotionally tired. I'd like you not to be the first thing that I think of when I wake up. I'd like to be able to remember what I did last week, or last month because my head is so obsessed with you that nothing else registers. You missed my birthday. Because I ran away from you again, because you didn't know it was my birthday, because you don't care at all? I don't have the answer. And I don't have the guts to find out. I'd like to know if you'll be gone soon, I want you to go, I really do, but I know that it will be so hard when you do. But it's another hurdle, I've done Valentines and my birthday, so this is the only one left. But will I find an excuse for that too if you don't let me know.

I'll keep reading my list, reminding myself of all the bad things.