The Message You Will Never Get

Well, I have seen what I needed to see. After feeling so awful about ignoring you on tuesday night because I didn't know how to deal with seeing you last night's little scenario showed me how little you really did care. It doesn't take a genius to work out what you and her were doing.

You moved on so quickly but I think maybe she was the reason you finished it in the first place. You really did make the safety choice there. You said you had more fun in 1 month with me than in 6 months with her, and yet you are going back for more. It must be such an easy option. I feel strangely numb, it's a bit like shock I think. I am waiting to react in some way.

Now I want to see you, talk to you, sort this situation out and get at the truth. I'm not sure why I want to do this and I need to wait to see what happens. I know I'm going to cry but it hasn't happened yet.

I really need to rationalise this, you didn't love me, you didn't know what that word meant. My feelings are different, its strange, its like the sadness got heavier, I've been through so much in the last few months and it seems you weren't worth it. You really aren't the person that I thought you were.

She will never be like me, you will never find someone else like me. I risked and gave a lot for you and you just push it all behind you and carry on like nothing happened. It's not like I feel sorry for myself, I knew all the time it was dangerous but you made me think we had something and I just let myself be swept along with it. You were right, it would have ended in a disaster, so maybe your decision was the best one. But I feel like you have taken something from me that it will take time to get back, and that makes me more sad.

But I can start to see the real you now. This is closure, the chance to move on. Your friends said you didn't really know how to treat women properly and I never thought that was true when we were together because you said and did such fantastic things, but it was all words, and now apparantly empty words. I still can't see us being friends, the confusion in my head about how you felt about me, the thought that if you still loved me then there was a chance that we could try again, or you would want me again made the whole thing screwed up in my head, but now I know what you are like, I don't want you (I think),but I'm not sure because I'm not reacting properly. I don't think I want to go back now.

I need to be sure that the reason I feel that I want to see you and talk to you is not because you are with her, I feel that it is because I want to finally be able to move on, and I want to hear you tell me the truth about what happened. I do feel that you owe me that, but whether you will or not, or even if you'll be man enough to meet me and talk remains to be seen. I need to put my life back on track, and I need you to help me do that.