August 27, 2000 (idea)

I don't know who the fuck I am anymore. Am I really the antisocial shit everyone and their mother thinks I am, or am I just playing a part so real that maybe the part is playing me nowadays? I remember the kid I was in kindergarten and the rest of elementary school, when I really thought life was good and there was no difference between me and the shinny happy people I want to shake some sense into nowadays. I liked the person I was then; I could look in the mirror without wondering whether I'd be able to stomach dealing with "normal" people that day. Fuck them. Fuck everybody.

I don't even know if I'm happy anymore. Yesterday I'd have said that I always, deep down, liked the person I turned into. Today? Today I'm sick of being shit on and patronized by people I once thought I had some common bond with through school or "brohterhood" or some such nonsense.

I respect myself, but what the fuck does that count for for anyone else? Do I have to start compromising my beliefs to be accepted or understood? Do *I* even understand what the hell I believe in anymore?

"Ian, are you okay?!" Can I just be reflective or quiet for 30 seconds without someone thinking I need to be locked up??? Maybe it's b ecause it's 3:00 AM on a Saturday night, but would it be any different if it were a Tuesday afternoon? Would it be okay to sit alone in the hallway and write then, but not now?

I used to ask questions no one else could answer, but lately I've been asking questions I don't have the vaguest idea how to answer myself. Is this some adolescent life phase? Will these idiots ever stop staring at me? Am I going insane?

I wish just for a day Icould be the ki I was in kindergarten. I see myself in pictures from back then and I almost cry for the smiley kid I see in the pictures. Where the fuck did I get so out of touch with everything? Did the world shit on me, or was it the other way around?

I find I have the most in common with the people the "social" side of me says I shouldn't associate with, but isn't that telling me I shouldn't associate with myself? Is all of this just self pity? Why do I have to sit in the hallway to be comfortable enough to write stuff like this down?

We signed five guys tonight. I like all of them. Will I feel that same way once they *really* get to know me during pledgeship, and is *that* the real me? The antisocial asshole again? Even then, theuy seem to like me more than random strangers at parties who I make an EFFORT to be nice to.

I need a girlfriend.