A few years ago, I
dated a
girl who, for whatever reason, never achieved
orgasms during
sex or
foreplay. Unfortunately she wasn't interested in discussing the matter and how we might improve the situation.
Being a man from Mars, I wanted to solve the problem and ran out to buy a vibrator. She was not impressed by the idea and refused to have anything to do with it. I ended up tossing the unused gadget into a drawer and forgetting all about it forever.
Or at least for a year or so, until my right calf mysteriously started hurting. It was a dull ache, all through the back of my lower leg. It hurt so much, it reminded me of that horrid relationship (long since abandoned) that it jogged something inside my memory and I recalled the vibrator sitting in the drawer.
I ran (well, limped is more like it) up the stairs and began hurling items from the drawer around the room until I found the vibrator. I hesitantly spun the dial, wondering if there was any life left in the batteries. *Buzzzzz* I was in luck! I immediately threw myself onto the bed and began massaging my calf with the (perfectly clean and unused) vibrator. It felt so good, I couldn't stop. I kept vibrating until the batteries died.
Normally, that would be the end of the story. However the next day at work I told the story to my friend Sean, whose jaw dropped further and further as I told the story. "How could you do that? Didn't you read the warning label?!?" he gasped.
I figured it was just a joke and blew him off. But he was eerily insistent about it. Apparently there is a long-running pop culture joke about vibrators carrying warning stickers about using them in such a manner.
Of course I didn't take it seriously, but when I got home I had to check the vibrator just out of curiousity. I dug through the same drawer, this time a little slower than the night before, slightly worried about what I might find. I pulled the vibrator out and there on the bottom was a tiny golden sticker. On it read the following statement:
WARNING
This device should not be used
over swollen or inflamed areas or skin
eruptions. Do not use on unexplained calf
pain, consult physician.
Made in China.
As I read it, a sense of
dread began to fill my stomach, like when you've been
pulled over by the
police for
speeding and you know your
license is
expired. Had I done something to harm myself? Was this going to cause rapid
heart deterioration? I quickly called a
medical doctor friend of mine from
Delaware.
Unfortunately this friend of mine is a woman, married to a business associate of mine. So I couldn't simply say that I had a vibrator lying around the place, I had to tell her the whole sordid affair about the girlfriend and why I happened to own a clean and unused vibrator. Then I got to the business about the calf, and asked her what unexplained calf pain indicated. What was my prognosis?
I fully expected a 20-minute dissertation on Tibetan Unexplained Calf Pain Syndrome and a condescending lecture about how the disease is totally harmless unless the victim does something utterly stupid like vibrating their calf. Instead, she scratched her head (I could hear this over the phone) and said:
"Hmmm, I'm pretty sure it doesn't mean anything, you'll be fine."
Well that was unexpected. Feeling relieved, embarrassed and somewhat elated I hung up the phone. However, that night I didn't sleep very well as the problem continued to bother me. In the morning I came to the conclusion that all doctors cannot be expected to know every disease, but of course the Internet can. I whipped up a few searches and found, of course, nothing at all.
The moral of the story
I still don't know to what end the warning is placed on the vibrator. If you have any clue, please add something to this node or /msg me as it may help save someone's calf. My apologies to those of you who were expecting a juicy tidbit about Tibetan Unexplained Calf Pain Syndrome or some other such strange disease.
No, the moral here is much simpler. Be careful where you stick your vibrator. And be sure to heed the warning labels on things before you use them. Had I read the sticker in advance, I would have saved myself the embarrassment of having to tell the vibrator story to the doctor because I wouldn't have used it on my calf.
So, I propose a new disease. This disease begins with unexplained calf pain and eventually causes victims dumb enough to vibrate their aching calves to run around telling embarrassing stories about themselves. I've heard that the first victim of a disease usually gets to name it, so here it goes: I dub this disease Tibetan Unexplained Calf Pain Syndrome.
Thanks to jethro bodine and thecarp for straightening me out on what this sticker means. Unfortunately it's too late for me, I'm already afflicted with TUCPS. Hopefully this information will save someone else from a life of embarrassment like my own.
For another embarrassing story read Snowboards with Vibrators.