I turn 21 in two days.
And I already feel locked in to my life. It's on a course, and nothing can derail it. That sounds like a good thing, right? I think right now I want something to derail my life. It's too routine, too normal. I'm sane to the point that it's driving me crazy.
When I was little, I thought I'd have all the time in the world to grow up and become a movie star, or a rock star, or to just have some really cool job. I just always kept feeling like I was too young to do anything about it. Now I feel too old.
And what do I have to show for my 21 years of age? A great resume, good grades, everything you should want when you're in college. But I don't. I feel as though I'm being pressed into this shape, I'm forced to be a good student, I'm forced to want to work hard. And I have conformed and been just as I should so long that I feel I have to do something crazy, something rebellious, just to blow off a little steam.
I want to become a stripper. Or transfer to a university in a different state. Or drop out of school and start a band.
I guess it's not that I'm unhappy with my life. It's not even that I would change things. I want the ability to change things. I want to be given the opportunity to do something else, and to turn it down because it makes me realize I am happy with my life.
My mother commented today that I look so grown-up.