I've fallen and I can't get up.
Fallen into darkness and light and chaos. Thoughts flow--wild untamed loving hating-- through my mind... wanting rest but craving challenge. Wanting peace but craving conflict craving the excitement that comes with taking on everything at once.
All control is lost to me now.
All my life I've prided myself on controlling my emotions, on not letting anything get to me. I just wanted to be untouchable so that no one would ever get to close. If I kept them all at a distance, then maybe they wouldn't hurt me. So I showed them my heart of stone, I wore my mask of ice...
Heartless Ice Queen Bitch
That's what they used to call me, back in high school. They were wrong, of course, and there were nights when I would flee to my room and cry for hours knowing how wrong they were. But they thought they were right and that was all that mattered.
I want that back.
When I go back to face my teammates tomorrow, I will see in their eyes the memory of my collapse, when every mask came down until there was nothing but me. They saw me at my lowest, and now that's all they'll see. Untill I can beg and hide and plead until they forgive the lapse...
"Please forgive me for all I have done wrong in your eyes, I mistakenly considered coming out from behind my mask. Don't worry, its all hidden again and I'm yet again striving to be who I should."
That last line was taken from a dear friend, Hors3s, from her away message...