It really really eats me up inside. I just want to know what's happening to him...

We broke up over 4 months ago. I've had several other unsuccessful relationships since then.

But there are so many questions I wish I could ask him. But his boyfriend will put a hit out on me if I speak to him again. I want to know how things are going with his family, if they've accepted that he's gay. I want to know how he's doing in school. I want to know what he thought about Brittney Spears' oh so long ago performance on SNL (I hate the woman- don't ask why I want to ask him that).

I want to know what he really, truly thinks of me.

I want to be able to talk to him as a friend, like we did back when we dated. I miss the sex, of course, but even more I miss him being my friend. In two short weeks I got to know him better than almost anyone else I've ever known.

It's just not right... Is it so much to ask that I be able to talk to him again?

I can't even put this in my online diary, or else his boyfriend will see it, and try to have me killed again.

On another note, here's a conversation I just had with my first ex-boyfriend that kinda sums up my life... enjoy.

Randofu: How have things been there?
MedKidFeb21: busy
MedKidFeb21: very busy
Randofu: No room for relationships then? :p
MedKidFeb21: Nope


MedKidFeb21: So anyway
MedKidFeb21: how are you
MedKidFeb21: ??
Randofu: Sorry... Watching Angel. :-)
Randofu: I'm doing OK.
MedKidFeb21: ok
Randofu: I've had several more failed relationships..
Randofu: But it's not so bad...
MedKidFeb21: really ?
MedKidFeb21: why ?
MedKidFeb21: how many ?
Randofu: Well... I guess 4... But none of them were really relationships..
Randofu: What I had with you lasted longer than any of them.
MedKidFeb21: i see
Randofu: BBS
MedKidFeb21: i see
Randofu: Back. :-)
Randofu: Anyhow...
MedKidFeb21: okay
MedKidFeb21: where did you go ?
Randofu: Angel. ;-) One of my favorite shows.
Randofu: (Boreanaz is a hottie)
MedKidFeb21: i see
Randofu: So... My relationships...
MedKidFeb21: oh lord
Randofu: The first one was with a guy named Elmer... He had a boyfriend already, but I just assumed that it wasn't serious... It lasted about a week... and after we had sex... the bf found out, and I learned they were engaged.
MedKidFeb21: whoa homewrecker j/k
Randofu: But... Is it really my fault? He came to me...
Randofu: :-(
Randofu: I really liked him too... Oh well...
MedKidFeb21: no biggie
Randofu: Anyhow, the next guy, I went on a single date with... But... He didn't seem at all interested... And he was terrified to be seen in public with me...
Randofu: No, it kinda was a biggie. I still see him from time to time.
MedKidFeb21: you will find someone else I am sure
MedKidFeb21: i see
MedKidFeb21: where did u meet the 2nd guy ?
Randofu: Online.
Randofu: That's where I've met all of my guys...
MedKidFeb21: you realy shouldn't do that
MedKidFeb21: it's dangerous
Randofu: Anyway... After that there was a guy at College Park who was curious. So we met for a date... And afterwards... He was too excited, and even though I didn't want to, we had (oral) sex... Later that night I got an email from him telling me that he decided he was straight and that he never wanted to speak to me again.
Randofu: Not if you're careful.
MedKidFeb21: i see
Randofu: Then finally, a few weeks ago...
Randofu: There was this guy I met... and I went and visited him at Washington College..
MedKidFeb21: where the hell is Washington College
Randofu: We had the whole weekend together... Alone in his dorm most of the time. It was wonderful... I got to sleep beside him. :-)
Randofu: It's just east of the Chesapeake, and about 20 mi north of the bridge.
MedKidFeb21: i see
MedKidFeb21: so what happened there ?
MedKidFeb21: i see
Randofu: Let's just say we had a lot of fun that weekend. ;-) But since then, we never even had the time to talk... since he's such a busy guy... and he said that there was no way we could have a relationship.
MedKidFeb21: you have pretty bad luck kid. I am sure you will find someone soon though.
Randofu: And I'm sure there'll be something wrong with that relationship too...
Randofu: I'm getting really cynical.
MedKidFeb21: nah it will work out
Randofu: Yeah right.
MedKidFeb21: you are a nice guy, you will find someone
Randofu: I didn't even mention Seth and Brian.
Randofu: Two of my friends who said they were bi before... and as soon as I try to start something with them... They decide they're straight.
Randofu: I think I'm like... the anti-gay.
MedKidFeb21: ha ha
MedKidFeb21: maybe you should try a girl
Randofu: LOL
Randofu: I don't want to though. Not appealing to me. At all.
MedKidFeb21: I don't know what to tell you :-(
Randofu: I've had two relationships with guys who who are actually gay, and up to 4 with guys who aren't. It's so sad...
Randofu: So you don't feel anything for guys anymore?
MedKidFeb21: nope
MedKidFeb21: sorry
Randofu: It's no big deal. I just don't get how that can happen...
MedKidFeb21: i don't either but it did
MedKidFeb21: i mean i wouldn't care if a guy gave me a blow job because oral sex is oral sex
MedKidFeb21: but i am not attracted to guys
MedKidFeb21: i got a new car
MedKidFeb21: r u there ?
Randofu: Sorry, I was writing something... (This node)
Randofu: WHAT THE HELL!?
Randofu: Another one!?
Randofu: I'd ask for your "old" one, but... you know I can't drive a stick. :p
MedKidFeb21: i traded it in
MedKidFeb21: I can't afford more than 1
Randofu: Why!?
MedKidFeb21: I needed something safer and bigger
Randofu: o_O
Randofu: Building a family? :p
MedKidFeb21: ha ha
MedKidFeb21: i am a tall guy
Randofu: Aaah...
MedKidFeb21: my car was kinda small for me
Randofu: Plus I guess there were bad memories from the other car, eh? ;-)
MedKidFeb21: ha ha

It gets disinteresting from that.


I just want a guy who's not afraid to.. oh, I dunno... DATE.

Oh, a new development. This is entertaining.

MedKidFeb21: I have had about 4 halfway relationships
MedKidFeb21: I dunno
MedKidFeb21: I am really self conscious now
MedKidFeb21: I think I am overweight
MedKidFeb21: Actually I know that
MedKidFeb21: and I dunno
MedKidFeb21: other stuff bothers me
MedKidFeb21: but I don't want a serious relationship until I get out of medical school
MedKidFeb21: so i guess it is okay
Randofu: What was wrong with the relationships?
MedKidFeb21: the girls were airheads
MedKidFeb21: i need someone i can hold a decent convo with
MedKidFeb21: and one i dunno
MedKidFeb21: she was just wierd
MedKidFeb21: she was like some sort of sex freak
MedKidFeb21: very cute but a sex freak
MedKidFeb21: so, do you have any new pictures
Randofu: :-)
Randofu: I'm guessing you didn't want anything explicit.
MedKidFeb21: good guess
MedKidFeb21: besides i have seen all of those
Randofu: No you haven't. :p
MedKidFeb21: i could look at them if you want my opinion, but I can honestly say they wouldn't do anything for me
Randofu wants to send file C:\Program Files\Creative\WebCam Go Control\WebCam Go album\
MedKidFeb21: your senior pics came out well
Randofu: Thanks. :-)
MedKidFeb21: you have a webcam too huh ?
Randofu: Yep.
MedKidFeb21 received C:\Program Files\Creative\WebCam Go Control\WebCam Go album\

Terribly amusing...