August 18, 1999, two days after my 16th birthday. I just had a fight with my dad about working in the tobacco field. (don't ask)
Well, later I was
feeling a little better. My
soothed, and so I opened
my door and everything. By the time my mom got home, she knew
that I had stormed off. She told me that
to talk to me
about what happened. It
It was a
very rough dinner.
Tension and all sorts of things
built in the room, and eventually she
starts talking. We discuss
the day, and I lay out exactly what happened. Then she asks why
I stormed off. I told her that it was because my dad was treating me like a little
kid. Eventually, she gets around to saying that I
right in it, but that I still have
to do it anyway. Then...
"So is there anything else you have to say?" It
"What is it?"
"Well, you don't look at me as a
kid, do you?"
"No, I don't."
"And you would respect any decisions that I
made as an adult, wouldn't you?"
"I will respect any decisions that you make as long as I agree with them..." There
was a dreadful pause... "Go
"Well..." I closed
my eyes and
let the words form in my mind first. I started
shaking and crying.
"Oh, honey, it's OK..." She
had me sit with
the couch, and held
me in her arms. She tried to soothe me, but
it didn't really work... I had
so many tears
uncried through this entire ordeal that I just had
to let them go.
Unfortunately, I said
I'd later regret. "I really wish I could be straight, but I'm not." Well, she went on trying to
comfort me. She said something that I thought
was really funny. :)
"With Billy, I wouldn't
have been surprised if he had come to me saying this. With Bobby, I was prepared for him to come to me
with this. But I never expected you to be the
said this." I
couldn't help but laugh.
I guess I should pursue a career in acting. My mom said that she only wished I had come to her
about it sooner.
She went to
Anna. Then the
procession began. I was in my room, and one by one they walked in. First
came Bobby. He said that he still loves me,
and that he isn't worried about me in my life, but rather in the
world after. In
"You're going to hell, but I still love you." In the middle of his schpiel, he asks me, "What
happened to your toe?" It was the weirdest question, but
I told him why my toenail
was bruised (it happened when I played Brad in tennis a few weeks
ago, and I
wait for the nail to grow out
before I can fix it)
Then Billy came
in. He became a little more philosophical, but still had the basic
"I love you, but you're going to
hell" view. He started asking questions about how I
knew and whether or not I had a choice in
the matter. I don't know any
prove to them
that it's not a conscious choice... Of course I can't go into the reasons as to how I know to them... They don't want
to hear about my encounter with Dave, or the crush on Raul, or every day how when
I masturbate that I think about men
even if I try not
to... It's just not something explainable.
Anna popped in and said that
she loved me,
was it, basically.
That was pretty much all that happened
I went to bed, and was so shaken that I didn't
even think about masturbation all night. For me, that's
so it shows
had some heavy stuff to think about.
This morning, I
woke up to my father asking me
if I was going out
to cut tobacco,
and I said yes. I got up
and got dressed, then went for a
coke, and he wanted
to talk with me. The most pain came next,
but I was ready.
I had to be.
His words were like peroxide, they sting at first,
but it's really best in
the long run. (Bravo,
"Mom told me the
problem that you had yesterday.
She says you think you're gay."
"I AM gay." I said it
cold and decisively; I have no
the courage for
it came from.
Maybe it was hate, or anger, or pain, I
dunno. He didn't believe
it though... It was
as I thought, I'm still
in his eyes. His main concern was
the internet. He seems to think that people online have coerced me into thinking
that I'm gay.
I tried explaining that I don't even
know any gay people and that I
made the conclusions
all on my own, but he only hears
what he wants
to, and he didn't want to hear any of that. He still thinks that the
internet is the problem.
What he doesn't even realize is that it
was the internet that quite possibly saved me from suicide. That
was another fear of my mom's
that I had to allay the night before.
I cut tobacco for 5 and
a half hours today. Whenever my dad and I had a
moment in private, he'd say again, something like "Don't let anyone
put a label on you" or
"Don't say that you're gay
on the internet, because then there will be a record of it" or "Saying that you're gay will come back to haunt you. You'll never get a
job because of it." Leave it to my father to think about money
to the bitter end.
He'll die while counting the money in his wallet, I bet.
He also brought up something that hurts a lot...
It was an incident that I hoped
to leave behind me, because it brings
so much shame to me that
I want to die... But I'm
going to be strong, and
to explain it in here as well as I can remember it. It happened in 7th grade, two weeks from
the end of school...
I was eating
lunch. Yes, I had lunch!!! :)
Well, that wasn't
really so good on this occasion... See, my friend Ernie and I were joking around. I don't even remember what it was,
but he made
sort of a gay motion.
o_O He reached
my penis and made squeezing motions, but
didn't actually touch it or anything. It
pains me to say that... Well, I wanted to
be funny. I had no idea what I would
cause, but I
walked over to Pam and Stephanie and sat down beside them. We
weren't very good friends, so they asked
why I was sitting
"Ernie just grabbed my penis. o_O"
I had no IDEA what that would cause! It was meant as
a joke, really! But
then Stephanie goes over to Ernie, and tells him that I said that he was gay. At this
point, the joke is over, and I've moved on
to talking to someone. Well,
a minute later, someone grabs me
from behind and
throws me off of my
chair. Keep in mind, Ernie is a fat
guy, so he
250 lbs, and this is probably
before puberty (which means
that this is before
I knew I
keep in mind) :P
Well, calmly I
back down, and
he screamed at me, "WHY
SAY I WAS GAY!?", and before I could even lay
on him or give a response, an administrator was between us. Well, we
were taken to the office.
At this point, they had us in the same room together,
alone. Yeah, that's smart! Idiots...
Fortunately, I worked things out with him. We were both fine by
the point they called us
in to discuss it, which really
sense. Everything was
OK, so why drag
rules or parents into it?
there were several punks
who wanted to get out
of class. They
were such bastards, and caused the whole thing to escalate to a level where it didn't need to
be. According to them, they
that had happened. "Randy hit
Ernie, then Ernie hit Randy back. They hit each other again a bunch of times." When the vice principal read these "eye-witness accounts" to us,
Ernie and I started to spaz out!
At this point,
friends again, and did our best to
work together to kill this. We both made it perfectly
clear that there was no fight, and that everything was
at this point,
everyone thought Ernie was gay because he supposedly grabbed me... I'm such a
bastard to turn on my own friend like that.
My dad asked
what the deal was with
that, and I don't know how
I did, but I somehow dismissed
what he said because I
really didn't want
to talk about
it. It just
shook me up really bad.
Later, Billy tells me
that he went to see the pastor, and
he thinks that it's possible that
I will be straight.
later, I go to
ask a simple question
of my mom, "Are
you going to
make dinner?", and get something
I really don't want. She goes on for a long time that she thinks that I really want to be
straight, and that
I should see
a professional who will be able to help
me "become" straight. I just can't convince them. I
thought she said that she'd respect my
decisions... They're all telling me how bad
my future's going to be, and they
don't even seem to realize that I've already thought
this over a
million times before!!! AAAAAAARRRRRAAAAAAGGGGHHAHAAAHHHH!!!!!!
I feel the need to
scream, because I have nothing else to say to them besides "Go away".