August 18, 1999, two days after my 16th birthday. I just had a fight with my dad about working in the tobacco field. (don't ask)

Well, later I was feeling a little better. My rage was soothed, and so I opened my door and everything. By the time my mom got home, she knew that I had stormed off. She told me that she wanted to talk to me over dinner about what happened. It was steak.

It was a very rough dinner. Tension and all sorts of things built in the room, and eventually she starts talking. We discuss the day, and I lay out exactly what happened. Then she asks why I stormed off. I told her that it was because my dad was treating me like a little kid. Eventually, she gets around to saying that I was perfectly right in it, but that I still have to do it anyway. Then...

"So is there anything else you have to say?" It was the opening...


"What is it?"

"Well, you don't look at me as a kid, do you?"

"No, I don't."

"And you would respect any decisions that I made as an adult, wouldn't you?"

"I will respect any decisions that you make as long as I agree with them..." There was a dreadful pause... "Go on."

"Well..." I closed my eyes and let the words form in my mind first. I started shaking and crying. "I'm gay."

"Oh, honey, it's OK..." She had me sit with her on the couch, and held me in her arms. She tried to soothe me, but it didn't really work... I had so many tears uncried through this entire ordeal that I just had to let them go.

Unfortunately, I said something that I'd later regret. "I really wish I could be straight, but I'm not." Well, she went on trying to comfort me. She said something that I thought was really funny. :) "With Billy, I wouldn't have been surprised if he had come to me saying this. With Bobby, I was prepared for him to come to me with this. But I never expected you to be the one who said this." I couldn't help but laugh. I guess I should pursue a career in acting. My mom said that she only wished I had come to her about it sooner.

She went to tell Billy, Bobby, and Anna. Then the procession began. I was in my room, and one by one they walked in. First came Bobby. He said that he still loves me, and that he isn't worried about me in my life, but rather in the world after. In other words, "You're going to hell, but I still love you." In the middle of his schpiel, he asks me, "What happened to your toe?" It was the weirdest question, but I told him why my toenail was bruised (it happened when I played Brad in tennis a few weeks ago, and I have to wait for the nail to grow out before I can fix it)

Then Billy came in. He became a little more philosophical, but still had the basic "I love you, but you're going to hell" view. He started asking questions about how I knew and whether or not I had a choice in the matter. I don't know any way to prove to them that it's not a conscious choice... Of course I can't go into the reasons as to how I know to them... They don't want to hear about my encounter with Dave, or the crush on Raul, or every day how when I masturbate that I think about men even if I try not to... It's just not something explainable.

Anna popped in and said that she loved me, but that was it, basically.

That was pretty much all that happened last night. I went to bed, and was so shaken that I didn't even think about masturbation all night. For me, that's particularly strange, so it shows that I had some heavy stuff to think about.

This morning, I woke up to my father asking me if I was going out to cut tobacco, and I said yes. I got up and got dressed, then went for a coke, and he wanted to talk with me. The most pain came next, but I was ready. I had to be. His words were like peroxide, they sting at first, but it's really best in the long run. (Bravo, nice simile!)

"Mom told me the problem that you had yesterday. She says you think you're gay."

"I AM gay." I said it cold and decisively; I have no idea where the courage for it came from. Maybe it was hate, or anger, or pain, I dunno. He didn't believe it though... It was as I thought, I'm still a child in his eyes. His main concern was the internet. He seems to think that people online have coerced me into thinking that I'm gay. I tried explaining that I don't even know any gay people and that I made the conclusions all on my own, but he only hears what he wants to, and he didn't want to hear any of that. He still thinks that the internet is the problem. What he doesn't even realize is that it was the internet that quite possibly saved me from suicide. That was another fear of my mom's that I had to allay the night before.

I cut tobacco for 5 and a half hours today. Whenever my dad and I had a moment in private, he'd say again, something like "Don't let anyone put a label on you" or "Don't say that you're gay on the internet, because then there will be a record of it" or "Saying that you're gay will come back to haunt you. You'll never get a job because of it." Leave it to my father to think about money to the bitter end. He'll die while counting the money in his wallet, I bet.

He also brought up something that hurts a lot... It was an incident that I hoped to leave behind me, because it brings so much shame to me that I want to die... But I'm going to be strong, and I'm going to explain it in here as well as I can remember it. It happened in 7th grade, two weeks from the end of school...

I was eating lunch. Yes, I had lunch!!! :) Well, that wasn't really so good on this occasion... See, my friend Ernie and I were joking around. I don't even remember what it was, but he made sort of a gay motion. o_O He reached down towards my penis and made squeezing motions, but didn't actually touch it or anything. It pains me to say that... Well, I wanted to be funny. I had no idea what I would cause, but I walked over to Pam and Stephanie and sat down beside them. We weren't very good friends, so they asked why I was sitting with them.

"Ernie just grabbed my penis. o_O"

I had no IDEA what that would cause! It was meant as a joke, really! But then Stephanie goes over to Ernie, and tells him that I said that he was gay. At this point, the joke is over, and I've moved on to talking to someone. Well, a minute later, someone grabs me from behind and throws me off of my chair. Keep in mind, Ernie is a fat guy, so he weighs about 250 lbs, and this is probably before puberty (which means that this is before I knew I was gay, keep in mind) :P Well, calmly I got up and sat back down, and he screamed at me, "WHY DID YOU SAY I WAS GAY!?", and before I could even lay a hand on him or give a response, an administrator was between us. Well, we were taken to the office.

At this point, they had us in the same room together, alone. Yeah, that's smart! Idiots... Fortunately, I worked things out with him. We were both fine by the point they called us in to discuss it, which really makes no sense. Everything was OK, so why drag rules or parents into it?

Well, unfortunately, there were several punks who wanted to get out of class. They were such bastards, and caused the whole thing to escalate to a level where it didn't need to be. According to them, they saw everything that had happened. "Randy hit Ernie, then Ernie hit Randy back. They hit each other again a bunch of times." When the vice principal read these "eye-witness accounts" to us, Ernie and I started to spaz out! At this point, we were friends again, and did our best to work together to kill this. We both made it perfectly clear that there was no fight, and that everything was OK. Still, at this point, everyone thought Ernie was gay because he supposedly grabbed me... I'm such a bastard to turn on my own friend like that.

My dad asked what the deal was with that, and I don't know how I did, but I somehow dismissed what he said because I really didn't want to talk about it. It just shook me up really bad.

Later, Billy tells me that he went to see the pastor, and he thinks that it's possible that I will be straight.

later, I go to ask a simple question of my mom, "Are you going to make dinner?", and get something I really don't want. She goes on for a long time that she thinks that I really want to be straight, and that I should see a professional who will be able to help me "become" straight. I just can't convince them. I thought she said that she'd respect my decisions... They're all telling me how bad my future's going to be, and they don't even seem to realize that I've already thought this over a million times before!!! AAAAAAARRRRRAAAAAAGGGGHHAHAAAHHHH!!!!!! I feel the need to scream, because I have nothing else to say to them besides "Go away".