He should have known better. The voodoo dolls dressed in togas hanging from the rear-view mirror of the taxi were a dead giveaway.
“Where to, Mortal?” asked the driver as the passenger folded himself into the rear seat. A loud raspberry noise triggered a guffaw. “You have beans for lunch?”
The passenger moved his briefcase to the other side of the slick bench seat and pulled a whoopee cushion out from under his pants. “This your idea of a joke?”
“Nah, must’ve been left there by my last fare.” More chuckling. “Where to?”
“Fifty-sixth and Lexington,” he said as his cell phone rang. “Make it snappy, I have a meeting.” The call was from his secretary/mistress; they were meeting at the office for a planned rendezvous. He let it go to voice mail.
The taxi pulled out into traffic to the fanfare of trumpeting horns. The driver didn’t seem to care that he left fender benders in his wake. The fare looked at the dirty medallion next to the radio. The driver in the picture wore a big purple turban, and his name was just Loki.
“What kind of name is Loki? You from India or something?” Probably an illegal alien too, he thought to himself.
“I’m from Europe. I hate curry, so I couldn’t be from India. And yes, I am here illegally, Bob.”
It took him a second to realize what Loki had said. “Did I say you were here illegally? And how did you know my name?”
He glanced in the rear view mirror. “No, but you were thinking it. No more questions, tight turns ahead.”
The taxi began slaloming through the traffic, narrowly missing pedestrians and other cars. Some idiot had cleaned the rear seat with Armor All, and Bob careened back and forth between the doors like a pinball. The briefcase burst open and spewed the contents all over the taxi.
“Isn’t this method of accounting illegal?” asked the driver, holding up one of the swirling sheets of paper. Bob was amazed Loki had read the miniscule numbers so quickly while driving.
“No, it isn’t,” Bob couldn’t figure how the paper appeared on the other side of the partition. “It’s a valid method for calculating profits from movies we released.”
Swerve, cats hissed. “Sounds bogus to me. Transferring funds between departments just to say a movie didn’t make any money, and therefore let you keep the percentage money. Clever, immoral, but I like your style.” Clank! One dead garbage can flew into the bushes.
He hit the brakes without warning. Bob’s nose flattened against the plastic partition. He reached for the door handle, and realized it wasn’t there. Blood trickled down from his nostrils. He was trapped.
Loki’s smile broadened. He rolled down the window and thumped on the door. An attractive hooker strolled over to the taxi and leaned in the window, her ample breasts perched on the door. “Heya, Loki, how’s it hanging?”
Loki jerked his thumb towards the back of the taxi. “Got an unwilling customer for you, Aphrodite. Been cheating on his wife, his mistress, his taxes and his business partners.”
When she opened the door Bob made a grab for it. He heard a loud ripping noise, looked down, and saw his pants had been stuck in bubble gum that had appeared from nowhere. The whole crotch of his pants was split open, and he wasn’t wearing underwear.
The woman slipped into the seat next to Bob, eyeing the exposed flesh. “Oh, baby, slow down!”
Loki hit the gas and began weaving around the traffic again. The two bodies in the back bounced and mingled in unusual positions as they slid on the slick seats. The woman was not like the regular hookers on 32nd street – she was exceptionally attractive. Bob tried his best to hide his exposed parts, but she wasn’t making it easy.
Loki kept looking in the rear mirror and chuckling as they sped towards the downtown business district. He reached into the glove compartment and tossed a handful of condoms onto the twisted couple. “No glove, no love, eh, Aphrodite?”
“I’d have snagged this gent back in the day, just to make the other stuck-up goddesses jealous. He’s quite the package!” She slipped out of her top, causing Bob to try and cover up himself even more.
“We’re here!” shouted Loki, putting the taxi into a spin until it came to rest on the sidewalk. “Everybody out!”
The passenger door burst open, and Bob found himself naked below the waist with Aphrodite straddling him. Condoms festooned the sidewalk, and all his paperwork was blowing in a little zephyr by the dented taxi.
Bob looked up, first at Aphrodite’s breasts, then at his secretary, then to his wife, then to his best client. They were all together on the corner. “I took the pleasure of texting them on your cell to meet you here, Bob”, laughed Loki.
Bob’s wife and secretary stormed off. His best client snagged the paper that Loki had read, read it quickly, and then left muttering about lawsuits.
Aphrodite stood up, tucking her cleavage in her fishnet dress and smiled at Bob. “Loki’s such a bastard. He should have driven around until I had my way with you.”
Loki grinned at Bob. “Next time, leave a bigger tip.”
Aphrodite hopped in the back of the taxi just as two police officers, led by Bob’s client, came around the corner. Loki tossed Bob’s wallet onto the sidewalk and sped off, laughing hysterically.
Bob couldn’t reach for the wallet, as his hands were busy covering his crotch. One of the officers picked it up and stared at the ID for a minute.
“Mister, you have some explaining to do. You’re naked on the sidewalk, this guy says you embezzled millions, and your driver’s license picture shows you wearing a big purple turban on your head. Are you an illegal from India?”
Bob was the only one to hear Loki’s laugh off in the distance.