I first realized I had a problem when I was about eight years old. It started out with simple counting; every time I had a birthday, my new age became the number I was most obsessed with. I'm not sure if the obsession started at the age of eight, but that's the earliest I can remember it occurring. I was obsessed with finding words or phrases that comprised of eight letters or syllables. I would count the syllables and recite the words and phrases in my mind over and over until I felt a kind of strange satisfaction. The first time I can remember this happening was when my older sister and I were visiting my grandmother while our mother was working. My grandmother had a habit of locking me in one of the bedrooms if she became angry with me, and sometimes she would leave me there for hours at a time. I didn't have anything else to do while locked in there, so I spent most of my time counting away.
The counting didn't bother me much at first, but it had started to scare me by the time I reached ten years of age. I remember sitting awake one night, unable to fall asleep because I was obsessively counting (the counting sheep method doesn't work for me). I jumped out of bed and ran into my mother's room, hysterically crying. She was awake, and I yelled at her "What's wrong with me? I think I have some kind of disease or something!" She asked me what was wrong and when I explained to her what my problem was, she replied "You're just smart. All the smart kids do stuff like that." I didn't really believe her, but the fact that she wasn't scared made me feel better. I'm not sure if I was able to get to sleep that night though.
Counting my age continued until I was fifteen, and then stopped. However, that hasn't been the only obsession/compulsion I've indulged in. Other ones include:
- counting the steps it takes to get to destinations, or only allowing myself to place one foot into each square of cement.
- counting the syllables of song lyrics, movie lines and the beats of music. I do this constantly, especially when I am feeling more stressed than usual. Song lyrics can stay in my head for days at a time, until I have memorized the amount of syllables it has and I feel comfortable to leave that obsession alone.
- chewing my food on the right side, then the left, then the left again, and then the right. This appeases my obsession with symmetry. While I'm chewing in this way, I picture the first chewing action as a circle; I picture the second and third chewing actions as squares; and I picture the last as another circle. This creates a picture in my mind of a circle, two squares and another circle, which can be folded over perfectly and symmetrically.
- fixing my hair in symmetrical styles. I am obsessed with braids. I usually wear my hair as two braids, or two buns. I've been known to spend hours in front of the mirror, trying to fit every hair into place to make my style as symmetrical as possible. I missed a large amount of high school simply because I thought my hair wasn't symmetrical enough to go out in public.
I think the obsession with symmetry slowly progressed into an obsession with beauty, to the point where I developed what psychologists would call Body Dysmorphic Disorder, which is another form of OCD. I look in the mirror and see an ugly person staring back at me. I know I'm not ugly, but I still obsess over the thought that other people will think I am. For this reason I find it difficult to go out in public, especially during the daytime. I would much rather leave the house at night, when my physical flaws are less visible. I deliberately missed school on days when yearbook pictures were taken, and have avoided having my picture taken on casual occasions as well.
I visited a psychiatrist two years ago, who prescribed me Prozac. He said it would help with depression and OCD, but the effects of this drug on my behavior convinced me to stop taking it altogether. Prozac made me unbelievably hyperactive. My friends and boyfriend were afraid to tell me how much they hated the way I acted while taking Prozac because they thought it might eventually be beneficial. It also made me more fidgety, and caused more OCD episodes than I'd ever experienced before. When I told my psychiatrist about this, his response was to prescribe me with more Prozac. That lasted for about 2 weeks before I couldn't take it any longer and ended up flushing the medication down the toilet.
Since then I have found that the best way to deal with obsessions and compulsions is to figure out why I do them and eliminate the behavior. It has been a very tough process, because these are things I've gotten used to doing from a very young age. I don't think I'll ever be able to stop counting, but I have been able to get rid of some of the behaviors associated with my obsessions with symmetry and beauty. I force myself to stick with the first hairstyle I do, and with the first outfit I put on, so I'm not obsessively fixing my hair or my clothes for hours anymore.
The counting and chewing obsessions don't bother me, so I don't bother with trying to get rid of them. I have strong reservations about calling the things I do a "disorder". They are just things I do, and when they start disrupting my life I work on eliminating them. We have more control over our thoughts and actions than we might think.