One long, bizarre night many years ago, I came up with a new concept, helped by some friends, and large quantities of alcohol and dope.

The conversation came down to a simple question. What would happen if you managed to piss off Spock? Suppose you relentlessly teased him about his ears, shaved his eyebrows off, or were somehow actually able to break through his cold, Vulcan exterior and really annoy him? Would he crack, would he lose it and go apeshit? We didn't think so. We thought it was more likely that he would threaten you in a logical, grammatically correct manner, while raising one eyebrow. That night, Vulcan Insults were born...

The best way to insult someone in a Vulcan stylee is to take an existing insult, and modify it so that it sounds like something a Vulcan would say. Vulcans wouldn't use foul language or slang, they would merely explain what they were going to do to you if you didn't shut up.

Therefore, the Vulcan Insult "Kindly fornicate in a direction that increases your distance from me, and then expire" actually means "Fuck off and die". See, they have to be polite as well, for some reason.

Interestingly, you can use this method of creating insults if you ever needed to annoy a Vulcan - and maybe provoke them into giving you some good ones in return. After all, they're not likely to understand "you motherfucker" but if you said "you have, at some point, either made love to your mother, or had carnal relations with her in some way" any Vulcan is going to know exactly what you're talking about.

Here are some more:

Vulcan (male): Please perform fellatio upon me at once.
Translation: Suck my dick.

Vulcan: I strongly believe your mother to be in such an obese condition, that were she to shatter her femur and the bone were to pierce her epidermis, a combination of warm beef stock and flavourings would emerge.
Translation: Your momma so fat, if she broke her leg, gravy'd come out.

Vulcan: If you do not refrain from your childish behaviour towards me, I will be forced to remove your head and defecate into your oesophageal passage.
Translation: Stop that, or I'll rip off your head and shit down your neck.

Vulcan: If my domesticated canine possessed a countenance similar in appearance to yours, I would remove the hair from the vicinity of its anus and instruct it in the art of perambulating in the opposite direction to which it was facing.
Translation: If my dog had a face like yours, I'd shave its arse and teach it to walk backwards.

It's easy once you get the hang of it. Anyone who can do "What do you do for a face when King Kong wants his arse back?" wins a special prize...

Nice! Peppermint wins the star prize: the Eiffel Tower! Please go to the nearest French Embassy to claim your winnings, and tell them I sent you.

Update: Tem42 - good point, but if a Vulcan had gone down the road of actually losing their temper, who's to say they wouldn't resort to vulgarity, or sexual innuendo? If they knew the only way to insult you was to imply that you were ugly, or to invite you to suck their dick, then they'd probably go for it. Finding our viewpoints illogical isn't insulting, they say that to every human they meet. The green blooded fools...

For the record, yes, I understand that Vulcans are fictional characters. But Klingons are real.