amnesiac - a tribute
Nobody knows what has become of our beloved amnesiac. All that we know is, e2 is a sadder, quieter, less
sweary place for his absence. I find it oddly fitting that I should be writing this on the day that the little cleaning thing that hangs over the lip of my
toilet bowl has run out of purple cleaning fluid. Today, the toilet bowl of e2 will no longer be kept purpley-fresh by amnesiac's soapy wit.
I remember the day we first spoke. I cautiously asked him about one of his writeups, and he replied in the half caustic, half jolly manner that I have since come to expect from him. The first meet I organised, I foolishly asked him if he'd be coming along. His reply was "fuck off, I hate white people". I thought he was joking at the time, but he probably wasn't. The day I actually met him in the flesh was a humbling occasion. We were supposed to taunt David Blaine in his glass box with a Filet-O-Fish - and amnesiac had actually bought one specifically for that purpose. That was the day I realised he wasn't all talk - he believed in his causes, rightly or wrongly, and no white infidel was ever going to stand in his way.
There are many things we remember him for. The AnBesialb emergency catbox, which saved a good many of us during the dark times of e2 server 500 errors. The epic, unsolicited new writeups writeup, constantly updated in real time - for which he asked, and received, no reward. His inexplicable hatred for the film Grosse Point Blanke, and bizarre insistence that it is Minnie Driver who gives an aeroplane to John Cusack with her yeti legs, and not the other way around, despite clear photographic evidence to the contrary. The caption competitions, which he guided us through, helping us to craft and shape our entries, refusing to compromise his integrity, until finally, we won. Well, I did. Although it was an adapted version of one he came up with. But still, it's my name on the thing and that's what counts.
Later in his e2 life, he became frustrated at not being offered an editor or god position. Perhaps his edgy, wacky, "out there" style was not what the management wanted. Or perhaps they just thought it would be like letting a rabid, hormone-crazed, GM-brainfucked, over-sexed greased-up bull into a china shop, where the china plates have all been painted to look like lady-bull vaginas, and doused in lady-bull pheromones, and there are ball bearings on the floor, and flashing lights, and scary noises, and angry bees. Who can say? But wherever he is now, I hope he is happy. I hope he finds the peace that was denied him here. In many ways, he truly was the prince of our hearts.
To try and get over our grief at his unexplained disappearance, I would like to present some personal recollections of the lovable rogue. If you have any, feel free to send them to me. The more sentimental and syrupy, the better. Update: I notice some of you have downvoted this. Have you no shame? Have you no love in your hearts? Would you downvote the victims of 9/11? Would you downvote Princess Diana's beautiful corpse? Would you downvote Ghandi? They wouldn't have downvoted you. And now they're dead. And it's all your fault. Murderers.
noders on amnesiac
Master Villain says amnesiac has made my life worthwhile. Many are the times his tales of cheesemongery warmed my heart on cold winter nights. There is a little bit of amnesiac in all of us.
borgo says just tell him to get his ass back here
LeoDV The only thing I can think of right now is that I tried to compete with him for most foul-mouthed in the catbox, and failed. And that's a pretty big compliment in my book.
allseeingeye: anybody but bush, love amnesiac
Catchpole: tributes to amnesiac are the new caption competiton
LeoDV: Alas poor amnesiac, I hardly knew ye mother.
StrawberryFrog: He said he hated me because I was white, and therefor racist.
StrawberryFrog: He was such a kidder. At least I hope so.
ReiToei: SF: No. I think he just hated you.
StrawberryFrog bursts in to tears
JohnnyGoodyear doesn't remember amnesiac (in a very self-referentially post-modern way mind).
gnarl: besides, once amn kicks it, i've got a nodermeet lined up: The great Grosse Point Blank movie viewing Pork Roast and Booze Up in AMnesiac's Honour (guest appearance by David Blaine).
JodieK says (sniff) who's going to stare at my tits now?
spiregrain says I have kept every /msg the little punk ever sent me. We will never see his like again.
gnarl says i beleive our saviour amn shall reappear within the confines of political asylum , and thus I shall remain there, patiently waiting his second coming, wherein peace shall reign over all, except the neo-cons who shall be against the proverbial wall. ALL HAIL OUR BELOVED AMNESIAC!
ReiToei: Dear Amnesiac, Wherever you are now, I'm glad you're dead. You cunt.
amnesiac on popular culture
amnesiac: The black kids pull up to the ivy league college in a shitty car pumping rap music. The frigid ivy league blonde (Reese Witherspoon) clutches her books to her chest, but feels the raw sexual chemistry of the black men..
amnesiac: Has this film actually been fucking made yet or do I just think it has?
amnesiac: it's like Doctor Who innit, the 'pope' never dies, only the last carrier
amnesiac: hampstead heath is where the gays go for George Michaeling
amnesiac: and is where Gritchka lives, although I am not implying anything.
amnesiac: rectangles ++
knifegirl: This penguin is driving through the desert. Things are going pretty well when the car starts to overheat....
amnesiac: hehe penguin!
amnesiac: good one. Anyone else got any?
amnesiac: If I could give america a gmail invite I would, as some small compensation for the tragic events of 3 1/2 years ago
TheDeadGuy: Who do you think is kinkier in the bedroom? Kerry or Bush? Don't say Cheney, we all know he's freaky in the sack.
amnesiac: I think Kerry, that ketchup bitch looks like she's got moves
amnesiac: Everyone hates Australians - you can't bomb them enough is what I say.
amnesiac: even if you've reached a poin where you think "they've been bombed enough" you should still try to bomb them
amnesiac: whenever i have a meeting with my german colleagues i can't help but wonder what sort of role they would've had if they were born 50 years earlier. I suppose everyone does that.
amnesiac: I've decided that last man alive in a room thing has to end with him getting a spam email
amnesiac: can someone give me the gopher address to find Star Wars information please, specifically who played Hans Olo.
amnesiac on noders
amnesiac: TenMin - I don't think you'd know a cultural apex if it shat in your mouth
RalphyK: I would. If one shat in *my* mouth, I would instantly know what it was. In fact, that's how I insist me and my friends greet each other
RalphyK: I don't seem to have many friends these days, though
amnesiac: That group is actually only meant for irish noders but I joined it out of spite because so many of them had infiltrated britnoders. The fuckers rued the day.
amnesiac: to be fair, yer average bengali lad is going to come off pretty badly in the face of an oolong type bohemian character with all his learning and tantric sex
ascorbic wants a new career. Not one that involved Lotus Noted either, nor one he's done already.
amnesiac: why don't you become a TV Chef, you know cooking and you're a fucking cunt
amnesiac: By the way, whose cock do you have to suck to get RalphyK to do your meet writeup? ..oh I think i've answered my own question
amnesiac: i pretty much called one of the gods a 'cunt'
amnesiac: That is in fact what I did do
Lord Brawl: But better rude to the admins than the donating customers
amnesiac: "stupid cunt" to be more accurate
knifegirl: PS it wasn't me WHEW
knifegirl: Bones told me if one more user calls me a cunt I'm out.
amnesiac on amnesiac
skow: amnesiac are you by chance a 14 year old mexican girl?
amnesiac: I curse the gods that I am not
amnesiac: I don't see how people have the time to be Dr. Who fanatics or transvestites or any of that shit. When i get home, have something to eat and watch the latest hostage snuff it's time for bed. Where do you find the time?
amnesiac: I don't know where you find the time for that. By the time I've finished work, got home, eaten something and contributed to terrorist funds it's almost morning again.
amnesiac: shit - I think I had a bad coconut. Are you supposed to drink the milk ? it's not pasteurised or anything. my stomach hurt!
amnesiac: i just drank it straight out of the coconut like a monkey - now I feel sick
amnesiac: oh god, I know it's gonna kill me, killed by a coconut, i should've seen it coming, tell them I was killed by the feds.
amnesiac: in my semi-delirious state i will finish by saying I quite fancy the old woman who plays Raymond's mum in 'Everybody loves raymond' - he's almost perfectly cylindrical
amnesiac: I would like to roll his screen mum down a hill, then who knows what will happen next.
amnesiac: Can I just make it clear 'shitting in the curry' isn't a metaphor for the current state of the world, it's real curry, real shit.
amnesiac: I have to leave for abut 20 mins to buy the new Nick Cave CD. Will you lot be ok?
knifegirl: Sure, we'll hold the Grosse Pointe Blank discussion til you get back.
Master Villain: noooooo *clings to amnesiacs leg*
amnesiac: OK i'm going, remember you can look through the archive and pretend it's real-time if you start feeling sad
...and that's all we have left to us now - pathetically trawling the archives and pretending that he is still with us...
amnesiac - Friday March 16th 2001 to ?