Ah, Minesweeper. Damn you, you evil bastard. It's a simple little game, you get it free with Windows, along with Solitaire, FreeCell, and that other one nobody understands.

I consider myself to be a fairly intelligent person, usually. I've been to college. Twice (fucked up the first time, did well the second). I have certificates, qualifications, bits of paper that say I'm clever. I can write clever stuff that sounds... clever. I can debate the complex philosophical issues of the day. I read a lot, and try to keep up with all these newfangled changes in technology.

I have had the rules of Minesweeper explained to me several times. I've read the help files many, many times. I have sat and watched as someone walked me through the method of figuring out where the mines are.

But fuck me sideways with a large pink banana, I can't play it to save my life. Within 2 or 3 clicks, boom, I'm dead. I look at the numbers, remember my Jedi training, write down notes, eliminate all the other squares around the one that I suspect is clear, and click it, confident that I'm safe. Am I? Am I bollocks.

Boom. Dead. Idiot. Maybe this is the real test of intelligence - maybe the people who can understand this game are the clever ones. The whole Microsoft and Windows thing is just an elaborate scam to weed out the stupid from the future rulers of the planet, by using the Minesweeper test - why else would it constantly be included in every new release of Windows? They're not reading your secret files or keeping tabs on your private life - they're checking to see if you pass the test. And that is how they will build their new master race. Everyone who can play Minesweeper properly will inherit the earth. All others will be pulped and shot into space.

Well that's me fucked, then.

Oh, and while we're here, Hearts - what's that all about?