, and not just living alone, but being alone
more than I ever have in my life. My family is unfathomably far away. My boyfriend
is no longer my boyfriend, and although I know I will see him again eventually, and I know he would come through for me if I needed him, it is still an uncertain situation for me.
I have been eating sammiches. I don't like to actually cook for one. I did make myself some Chex Muddy Buddies. Consolation chocolate.
I have been living with the lights off, which is a total shock to me since I usually try to make my environment as bright as possible. This is not a response to depression - it is because I don't seem to need the light.
I have been staying up until I am tired, then going to sleep dirty and trying not to think. I shower in the morning now. I never did before.
I have also been going out every day. To get job applications, to buy more vitamins, to use the internet at the library. I tried to explore Salem but it confused me and made me mad, so I left as soon as I could find a way out.
Otherwise, I have been watching DVDs and playing computer solitaire, but today I finally got my phone line and internet access. I caved and bought a good TV tuner card which will come in eventually, but not soon enough. I wish I had a friend with a tv to impose on to tide me over. I'm very wary about imposing on Ryan. He can take less human contact than even I can handle. And I'm not sure how to act in my new role as his just a friend. Then again, I'm not sure how to act in most roles with most people.
Oh, and apologies to Ereneta for being bitchy when she asked me to credit the writer of some lyrics I noded some time ago. Quite ironic for that song to come up now. I'm sure she was trying to be nice in the way she worded her request, but I would have preferred a straightforward "Please include this" to her "If you like the song so much, you'll want to give the writer credit" roundabout approach.