Today is my last day in Oregon
. I flew up here on June 2, a month earlier than I had planned, because the love of my life
seemed to be going bonkers
without me. Plus, I wanted to come. I wanted to be with him. I left my friends, my parents, my brothers... everything I've ever known, to come to Ryan. Because if there was one person that I would want to keep with me forever
, it would be Ryan. Don't get me wrong, I love my family dearly, but I will at some point grow up
and move on, and not be *with* them all the time, and I don't feel that I will ever move on from Ryan. He is The One
, despite the difficulties in that.
Ryan can't handle it, and I guess I can't either, although I tend to ignore that sort of thing. We're both very introverted people, although I think he is more so than me. I need a certain amount of attention, and when I am at home I had a passel of friends and my family to give me that... although often it is too much for me and I just want everyone to go away and leave me alone. Here, I was alone all of the time, and it was driving me crazy because I did not have the entertainment I have at home, I did not have the freedom I have at home, and when Ryan came home from work he would not be the devoted and attached boyfriend that I wanted him to be.
Things came to a head and we decided that we could not go on this way. It just wasn't working. So, through lots of tears, I changed my flight to leave tonight. I will miss Ryan like crazy, and he will miss me too in many ways, but it will be better this way.
I love Ryan. I love Oregon. But this isn't right, right now. I am not finished growing up yet, and maybe he isn't either, despite appearances. I hope that I get to see him again at some point over these years, but that is unlikely since I cannot afford plane tickets and I don't know whether he would want to fly me up here, and since he does not like to visit Texas. I do know that after I graduate, when I want to break away from my home life and make it on my own, this will be a likely place for me to come. It has the scenery that makes my heart sing, and a few people that I already know.
I don't know whether Ryan will fall out of love with me, fall in love with someone else, be able to embrace life with me under other circumstances, or live the entirety of his life alone. I can see myself taking him on whatever his terms are. The song, The River and the Highway, comes to mind and freezes my heart. For all I know, I will fall in love with someone else... I am only nineteen. But right now I am in love with Ryan, and if our lives can't interwine now, they will grow strong on their own, and should they intertwine later they will be all the stronger for it.