"This will make your nipples explode with delight!"

some guy in this movie

No, unfortunately, it will not.

The Lollipop Girls in Hard Candy is many things:

What it is not is nipple-explody. ...Hard Candy is what happens when you want to make a feature-length porno but only film fifteen minutes of sex. The gimmick, of course, is that this movie is in 3-D. "Body parts appear to be jiggling, bouncing, dangling and squirting right off the screen" or so claims the ad copy. You're given those wonky little red and blue glasses with your ticket, which goes a long way toward making you feel like a kid from the fifties but fails to enhance the porno-watching experience as much as you might like.

The picture starts out promisingly enough, with a soldier who's guarding the Fellatio Mines (which, sadly, we never get to see) encountering a newly crowned beauty queen wandering through his territory. She has won the Miss Stake contest, and is on her way to compete in the Miss Construe pageant. Yes, wit in the writing. They retire to a handy field for sex (of which we see about one minute), causing the soldier to miss the invasion of his beach by... three guys dressed like Roman soldiers.

They are searching for Troy. Yes, Troy. Look not to porn for historical accuracy. Unfortunately, these "characters" will make it difficult to look to porn for porn for the rest of the movie. One of them dons a bunny suit as a disguise and trampolines over the wall. The bikini-clad woman who had been using the trampoline is entirely ignored other than for slow-motion shots of her non-bare breasts bouncing.

Meanwhile, in a different movie, a candy company is in trouble. We're introduced to the CEO as he receives an under-table blowjob from a Ms. Breastworthy, but he is rudely interrupted (after about two minutes of pleasure) by his board of directors. "Oh good!", you think. "Orgy scene!" No. Instead, we get a very lengthy discourse on the trouble the company's in, and an ultimatum regarding profits. Yes; all very exciting.

Out in the lab (clearly labelled "Lab" by a paper sign on the door)...oh, fuck it.

Look... the point is that there are some lollipops which get contaminated by the bunny-suited Roman/Greek warrior's Cream of Yak soup which are discovered to have tremendously aphrodesiac qualities and stand to save the company. A man in a gorilla suit uses a giant slingshot to launch these lollipops all over the country, and they rain down on unsuspecting folks who then proceed to have wild sex... most of which we don't see. Why?

Because, instead, we're forced to watch the other two Roman/Greek soldiers (who are now dressed like a chicken and a sea monster, respectively) have an excruciatingly long Abbot and Costello-like repartee with a motel manager, get sucked into a video game and have an epic-length pie fight.

Oh yeah; John Holmes is in this movie for about two minutes. Just long enough for you to say "My goodness, that's an enormous cock!" and move on to further comedy jokes.

The 3-D effect is mostly atrocious. It works well to separate foreground and background objects, occasionally, and there are a few impressive "things sticking out at you" moments but it's generally a good way to cause a migraine. We're treated to one comeshot directed at the lens, which resulted in the audience producing a collective "eww!".

Most damning is that ...Hard Candy fails entirely as pornography. By the time it actually gets to a sex scene the audience is so fed up with the ridiculous, excruciating crap that came before as to completely destroy any potential eroticism. Of course, the scenes themselves go a long way toward doing that. They are more sex montages than scenes, with blowjob being intercut with fucking being intercut with cunnilingus willy nilly. The music is not at all the thumping bass bow-chicka so desperately required. Instead, it's what sounds like little girls going "la la la la" backed by elevator music.

I can only imagine the hundreds of sweaty raincoated individuals demanding their money back when and if this film ever played in an actual porno theater.

Your nine dollars will purchase you a keen pair of 3-D glasses, a place to sit for ninety minutes and diminishing returns on laughter, but there ain't no way it's gonna buy you a good time.