Are you also tired of MCs incessantly rapping about bitchez and honeyz? Fear not, for Jewish academic MC Paul Barman (Yo yo, is there any jewboys in da howse tonight? WESTBAAAANK, BOYEEEZ!) has closed the book on the entire booty-bangin' genre with this track off his 2002 album Paullelujah!, originally released as a single through Matador with Anarchist Bookstore as the B-side. Paul's deft and erudite wordplay indirectly raises the Bar(man) for white sucka MCs like Eminem and Don Red with his involved and elaborate internal rhyme, and evidence of an appeal to the undermarketed-to well-read and intellectual hip-hop fan can be found in what must be one of the very first times ever the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam has been name-checked in a rhyme otherwise about putting things in and taking them out. (No boasting, mind you - a Greek reading of "porn utopia" still translates to (prostitute) nowhere, this ridiculous and impossible-to-take-seriously song a tabulation of acts that never were and will never come to pass.)

Though he fails to match the prurient explicity and funny-smelling detail of a Luther Campbell, Barman caters to the general arts graduate by superficially - but more than adequately - covering a hitherto unimaginable diversity of topics... even if their overarching theme is nothing more lofty than what has been described as a preposterous Christmas wish list of celebrity female genitalia. After this, any other MC thinking they've got a phresh take or doper rhymes about some girl(s) might as well head home. Paul's got it covered.

"Hey, baby... do you know who I am?"

Oh my God, who's that third from the right?
Damn. Zoom in or something!

Whoever thought Paul Barman would change the game?
I started rhyming when the radio was unbearably lame!
Rappers are in danger -
"Depression is closely followed
By delusions of grandeur
."1
I think about all the pube I got
While reading the Rubaiyat
And make babies in bunny slippers
With the JBs rockin' the Honey Drippers.
 
dow... badedow bee deedee!
dow... badedow bee deedee!

"Hey baby... do you know who I am?"

    Cock Moooobsteeerrr!!
    It's a porn utopia;
    a cornucopia
    of warm fallopia...
    (Yeah! Do it!)
    Cock Moooobsteeerrr!!
    My dandy voice
    makes the most anti-choice
    granny's panties moist!
     
    (do it! do it! do it! do it!)
I let my hair air dry
thereby getting more hair pie;
I want to fire blanks in Tyra Banks. (ooooh!)
I like shorn-quimmed lasses with horn-rimmed glasses
but Cindy Crawford ...offered. (Oh, take me!)
I would keep a tidy room for Heidi Klum -
I'm immersed in Kirstie Alley's thirsty valley. (sluuurp!)
I would snore or sleep on Laura Prepon...
shall I keep on? (5... 4... 3... 2... Yeah!)
I would feel the pubis of Mila Kunis -
I've seen the trim of Tina M.
I'd crunch Thandie Newton like a candied crouton
and I'll di-sa-robe Lisa Loeb.
I want a smelly slice of Kelly Price,
plus get with the hairy scar of Teri Garr.
Lisa Bonet: I'd like a piece of yo day;
I would jizz early inside Liz Hurley.

"Hey baby... do you know who I am?"

    Cock Moooobsteeerrr!!
    It's a porn utopia;
    a cornucopia
    of warm fallopia...
    (Yeah! Do it!)
    Cock Moooobsteeerrr!!
    My dandy voice
    makes the most anti-choice
    granny's panties moist!
     
    do it! do it! do it! do it!
I'm a braniac with a veiny sack
resting on the brow of Erika Eleniak (Ooh, dude!)
She almost shrank off when I said, "Take your top tank off."
I draw a thousand times better than Robert Mankoff!
I'm very p-proprietary with M-M-Mariah Carey
but she wants some silly cut up with Billy Crudup's butt up.
I'm-a the most lonely fella without Toni Isabellaaaaa...
I'm truly the hero of Julie Shapiro
but I'm sure to spill sperm in Laura Sil-ver-man.
I'm sticking taxing long things in Maxine Hong Kingston
which brings in Amy Tan - she said, "Lay me, mon."
Cynthia Ozick takes off her clothes quick
and likes exposed brick.
I wanna slip my slim sword in... Kim Gordon -
Laetitia Casta is easily the boss ya.
Sigourney Weaver has a thrashing horny beaver!
I'm having intercourse while listening to Winter Wars.
Winona Ryder? Goin' inside her!
I wanna get onna the whole width of Anna Nicole Smith;
I want Tracy Bingham in a lacy thingum...
I made Tahnee Welch's punani felch while her mommy belched!! 1 A quote from the writing of psychoanalytic pioneer Karen Horney.
As of the posting of this write-up, so as you can weigh the song's relative merits and nodeworthiness on yr own the song should be downloadable in its 3:52 entirety as a totally legit and legal 4.8 meg mp3 from the website of Paullelujah!'s label, Coup d'Etat, at http://www.coupdetat.tv/media/cockmobster.mp3 or if you prefer for whatever arcane reason as RealAudio at http://www.undergroundhiphop.com/audio/real_audio2.asp?
c=%89%ACib%9F%99%A0%AC%BD%CB%98%9C%BB%A9%
B8%B3%88%BD%AB%B6%C5%9C%AF%A3%98%98%C7%87sz%95%97%93

(but be sure to take out those linebreaks if you want it to work!)