Ladies and gentlemen, tonight you are to be made
privy to the latest findings from the
Lipkovits language laboratories. Through months of exhaustive but
systematic research and
empirical testing in
conversation,
dialogue and
poetry (the
language of love itself) we have arrived at a comprehensive survey of
blunders,
faux pas and social mishaps.
So without further ado...
1. Ever made it with an aardvark? We're quite rare.
2. What's your platform... on hair?
3. You've _got to help me_... I'm in love with someone you know and don't know how to tell them.
4. ~I have only twelve days to live!~
5. I'll put a link to you on my web page...
6. Wanna see what's in my fish?
7. I can't write anymore; I need a new disposable muse.
8. SHOW US YER TITS! (Note: the variants show your tits and show us your tits are also perfectly feasible in their unfeasibility.)
9. It's better to be lonely than to be with inferior people.
10. I wish people would start saying what they meant.
11. That poem isn't about -you- per se...
12. I _told_ you I wasn't ticklish.
13. That's all right; I want to pay for it.
14. What's your ICQ number?
15. Can I play with your piercing?
16. ... never mind
17. I want to get you, and cut you up, so you will be mine.
18. Yes, I think you're weird, but I _like_ weird.
19. Want a piggyback ride?
20. You're more than welcome to stay here.
21. HOW 'BOUT A *MANWICH*, BABY!!!
22. Stuff like that _never_ happens to me.
23. I'd like you to come to my reading on Sunday.
24. Is it nice to be wanted?
25. (pauses and grimaces.)
Unfortunately, due to the appearance of the rather limited use potential of this information, there has been much skepticism regarding our canonical project. What the naysayers don't realize, in dismissing our methodical exercise as pessimistic, is that once we have catalogued and indexed and warned against all phrases not to say, the only words remaining will be the right ones, the ones that work, making life a little easier for the hopelessly inarticulate. Funding is slim, but if you could further our research by submitting field-tested phrases you have proven ineffective at conveying love, wooing or seducing, our scientific goal of rendering the entirety of the human race as efficient as Casanova at getting the really important stuff out of the way would be that much closer to becoming a reality.
So please, share (from experience) generously.
I am gratified that the Everything populace approves of this project, resulting in its becoming my highest-reputation node, but I would prefer your embarrassing verbal anecdotes to your votes.
To reiterate: though the editors have locked this node, because "they" do not want any more GTKY submissions... I certainly do. How else am I going to get the 25 best (worst) ways out of the entire potentiality of human language? Please do feel free to come to me direct. (But please, keep in mind - it's the text, not the context, I'm after.)