The comforting rhythm of a new CD, spinning in the background. The familiar hum of electronics that lull me to sleep every night. The atmosphere outside. These things I take for granted, and yet I've recently come to reflect on them a great deal while on break.

Shortly before I left, I realized that I had written things here that I probably didn't want those who knew me, and who read this site, to know. However, I didn't want to delete the writeup. While it is a trivial task for the site administrators to determine who I was, I would appreciate it if I was allowed to co-exist with my prior account. Anyways, to point of this daylog.

I cannot see myself as an old person. I can't even see myself as middle aged. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that I will die while young. This was not an easy conclusion for me to arrive at, but it was the only logical solution. Because of this, and because of the peculiar life I lead, I've decided to change.

Now that I've said that much, it's time to change. I cannot remain timid or shy, which I am in excess. I have to be bold and confront the world that surrounds me, rather than passively taking what I'm given. However, having lived a life of introversion, avoidance, and timidity, this is not easy. I repeatedly run away from meeting people who I might like, who I may get into a relationship with, because I am scared of myself.

I've been in two relationships in the past, had two girlfriends. Neither relationship was initiated by me, I somehow managed to find girls who took the initiative and asked me out, as it must have been obvious I was incapable of doing so. However, neither relationship lasted very long.

The first relationship began with a wonderful girl, near my height, quite a rare thing. She was quite smart, attractive, and athletic. Those who know me can vouch that those three attributes definitely trigger me attraction for the female in possession of them. Despite all that I had going for me, I fouled it up horribly. So my first relationship ended a scant two months after it had began, almost three and a half years ago.

After the end of that relationship, I fell into a depression, right as the junior year of highschool started for me. That year didn't go well, ending with me being suspended, being sent to a psychologist, and in general having my parents flip out. About halfway through that year, a girl at my school asked me out. Her parents refused to allow the relationship to happen, and it turned out quite badly a few months later.

That will be three years ago this August. Since then, I have asked out two women. Both have turned me down. I'm tired of being alone. I want to lie down on my bed, holding the one I love for hours on end, listening to her breathe, being at peace with the world. This is not meant to be. Not unless I change. And so I shall.