My best friend left on thursday, apparently never to return.

I feel inclined to write about it, because it's not alright. She wasn't susposed to leave. We were companions for two years, friends for 6 years, and romantic for two months. If anything went wrong, she told me she'd still be my friend.

I am in Vermont, she is in Connecticut. We couldn't see each other very often. We talked for hours and hours, until very very late at night online. What we did was to build our own philosophy. We were going to figure the world out, we wanted the truth to be known. We were both aware of an ability we had to extend our wills into the world, and control things by force. Neither of us knew what to do about it. We were both alone, with incredeble isolation. She said she could never trust anyone. I wanted to help her learn to live in the world. I don't know why.

She was having troubles with her Mom last summer, so I offered her a place to stay. She lived with me for a week, and there didn't seem to be anything wrong. I decided to kiss her. She went along with it.

She used to write, she was an angst writer. She wrote poems that rhymed and fit poetic verse, and she would send them to me in emails. I sent her some of mine, too. After we kissed at my house, she had stopped writing. She started to be increasingly interested in computers. We no longer talked in the same way, I don't know why. One day I said I would need to leave her sometime, and she became very mad at me. She didn't tell me she was mad for many weeks after I said this, and in the mean time I was ignored. This wasn't something I had seen from her before. I saw her shortly after in person and we got back together. I told her we needed to take care of each other, and that the things that were best for me were best for her, and vice versa, and what was bad for her was bad for me, and what hurt her hurt me, and vice versa. This isn't anything she had heard before. We felt we had gotten over the hump. We understood now. We were going to be able to fix things.

I ended up with her in Bristol, Connecticut on New Years, this year, with some hacker friends of hers. I liked them, and I got along with them. But she said I freaked out, because I couldn't understand her out of the context I already knew her. I knew she was afraid because her skin was suddenly slightly colder. I was afraid, too, but I didn't say anything. I trusted her to tell me if things went wrong.

We lasted about a month after that night, as it is the beginning of Febuary now. I wrote her an email saying I was only taking time getting used to how things had improved with us, and that I'd get used to it eventually. She wrote back and said that she understood, and she told me she had reached the bottom of her barrel. I asked what this meant, and she didn't write me back for a long time. I wrote another email saying she shouldn't write me if she doesn't have anything to say. The next time I talked to her, she told me she would have to leave, and she couldn't give me any reason that made any sense.

I'm not sad about this. Don't /msg me with your sympathies. It's just that she wasn't susposed to leave, and she did. Countless other people have left me, in life, and none of them have been able to give a reason why. I had given up, but then after two years I came to trust Her. Things aren't susposed to end like this.