A good friend, L, is having her bacholorette party tonight.

I should be happy. It's going to be fun. Actually, it's not going to be very wild or anything (she's Mormon and can't drink), but fun nonetheless.

My emotions are in such a turmoil right now. My best friend, C, is not allowed to come. He is friends with her too, and he wanted to go. But the one friend who organized the party said he can't because he's male. I tried to say that that shouldn't matter, it should just be her friends there, period. One of our other friends (one I don't really like, but I put up with to stay part of the group), said that C can't come for the same reason L's fiancé wasn't invited. It's not the same at all... Isn't it supposed to be to take her out and show her a good time one last night before she "tied down"? I thought that was the reason that her fiancé wasn't supposed to come.

I'm starting to feel like I shouldn't even bother going... But L is a really good friend and I want to be there for her. I want her to have a good time. I want to have a good time - but I will be thinking about C and how bad I feel for not sticking up for him more, not forcing the issue so he was allowed to come too. He won't sit at home by himself or anything, but I feel bad nonetheless.

There's something deeper though... Yesterday I saw a thing about noding your secrets in the chatterbox, so here goes.

I am insanely jealous of my friend L. I am trying to be happy for her. Really, really hard. But I can't seem to get past the fact that I will not be walking down the aisle anytime soon. I know this is self-centered. I know that I really have to get over myself.

Last winter, I came under the impression that my SO wanted to actually get married. I was so happy. I told most of my friends. But he wouldn't let me tell our parents. I guess this was the first warning sign that things were about to fall apart. Things got worse and worse between us... I knew that I was just kidding myself that he actually might want to marry me at that point. When his sister had a baby, I found out about it the day afterwards. She was 19, and I guess she told him to keep it a secret, and not tell me. My stepdad remarked that after all that time together, I was still an outsider to their family. This stewed in my mind and snowballed and snowballed. I blew up at him. I told him I never wanted to see him again. We broke up for a day and a half. I went crawling back. He told me later he expected this and didn't think I really meant it. I didn't - I was just upset.

In any case, my friends found out and I guess they knew the wedding was off. They avoid the topic as much as they can, I think they know that I'm still upset, even though I put on a tough face and pretend it doesn't bother me. So I'm trying to be happy for my friend L, but I cried and cried the night she told me she was getting married.

Well, I suppose I'll just have to make it through this day and be as pleasant as I can. I need to be happy for her. This is her time. Mine will come... someday.

E2 as therapy? I don't know. Maybe getting this off my chest will help. I can feel the anonymity wrapping around me like a warm blanket. No one to judge (well, if they do, I don't have to care), no one to bring this up at awkward moments... But maybe someone cares. Maybe I'm just fooling myself again.