Although it's not often that you hear the words 'mash' and 'haute cuisine' in the same sentence, with an inventive use of ingredients, good old-fashioned mash can be turned into a meal that's both wholesome and scrumptious. After all, cooking is all about imagination and experimentation.

At least that's what Auntie Morag says and she's the best cook in our family. This is how she makes mash now that she's dead.

Ingredients (for two)

- half a dozen medium size potatoes
Auntie Morag uses King Edwards for sentimental reasons (she had a massive crush on Edward Scissorhands once) but other floury varieties, such as Maris Pipers, are fine as well.
- a couple of handfuls of eyeballs
Black human eyes are the best but cheaper varieties will do. It's good to soak them overnight in slightly salted water so that they'll become softer and less squeaky.
- a handful of fresh earthworms
Try and get them from a place offering dig-your-own service as that way you'll know they're genuinely fresh.
- 1/4 cup of bone marrow
Tinned marrow is fine but make sure it hasn't been processed beyond recognition.
- 1/2 cup of warm blood
Blue blood's the creamiest and therefore the best. Personally, I'd recommend getting it from M&S. It's a bit more expensive but at least you know it's produced locally. If you have a limited budget, use regular blood but make sure it's fresh and human. Steer clear of supermarket value brands: the amount of junk they add is positively scary.
- frying fat
Sainsbury's Liposssuction Fat is particularly suitable thanks to its mellow and fruity taste.
- seasoning
Auntie Morag uses salt and powdered femur but feel free to experiment.

Boil the potatoes. Chop the eyeballs and earthworms and fry them until golden brown. Mash the tatties adding bone marrow first and then the warm blood. Add the seasoning and continue to mash until the whole mixture is smooth and creamy. Stir in the fried eyeballs and earthworms et voilà!

(For a veggie version, Auntie Morag suggests using tofu or coagulated slime but she does so with a good deal of scepticism and a smattering of disgust.)

Necronodecon: The 2008 Halloween Horrorquest