Lately I've been thinking a lot about the reality in which each of us lives. I mean, do you ever stop -- and make your world stop with you -- and think, Oh my god, here I am in this very moment, and what I'm doing with it I will never be able to change, and this is the decision I'm making right now and I'll never be able to go back and make a different one, and the way I'm living and breathing at this very moment IS my reality? It's crazy, and probably sounds even stranger, but it's like there are ten thousand thousands of paths to walk down, every single tiny decision during every moment causing the path to branch right or left -- and none of us will ever know what any other potential path could have been like. With all the millions of possibilites we only get to live one time. It's depressing, and at the same time it's motivating because it makes me want to do everything, and become the best me there possibly could be.
And what do you think about idealism? Idealists are easy to laugh at and make fun of because they seem so naive, so unaware of how things truly are. But I think that maybe being an idealist is the only way to be truly happy; and at the same time it can drive you fucking insane if you let it. Me, I think I'm an idealist teetering between the two. I have an idea of what I think the world should be and sometimes that causes me to strive to make it so, but most of the time it just pushes me down into the dark pit of unhappiness because nothing meets up to my expectations, you know? The world is bleak although I want it to be bright. People are idiots even though I believe they have the potential to be gods (nothing freaky-religious, just gods of the world in which they live) and it's frustrating.
And if these paragraphs do not convince you, O dear stranger, of anything else, then I'm sure they at least persuade you that I'm a very lonely person who hungers for someone, just one, who I'll be able to understand and who will be able to understand me.
All right. Guess that's enough of that.
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- "I went to God just to see, and I was looking at me" (M.M.)
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