Hey, Dad. It's Shane. My car's broken. Can you gimme a ride to work?

"Here's how to tell: Hard drugs, make you not hungry, except alcohol. Alcohol makes hotwings taste real good... that is, unless you binge."

Oh, that's great, Dad. So you're admitting to using hard drugs?

"Just the ones that make me hungry."

You are fucking insane!!!

"No, really. You ever see someone eat a tray of nachos on LSD? Hell no, 'cause the second they fill their mouth with that hot processed cheese mucus, their tongue's gonna be like 'Ahhhhhh... what's this bullshit swimmin' around in here? Got pointy fish stabbin' at my cheeks' and..."

He tipped his sunglasses forward and the officer finally spoke. "Sir, step out of the vehicle."

Hey, Dad. What about heroin?