Okay, to tell you the truth, I was never going to share this story with E2 since it's a little... well... I don't know what it is. But darling m_turner told me about this node called "Vibrator Warning" and I was just so excited to find out that other people have read the same label that I just really wanted to share.
I now firmly believe that no man will ever be able to make me have an orgasm
Wait, maybe I should offer a little bit of background to that statement. I'm about to share some very personal information
with you. That does not give you the right to tease
me about it. Keep that in mind.
One night I went into chat on College Club
piss drunk, and confessed that I'd never had an orgasm before
. I've had sex with tons of people, (well not tons, but a lot,) and I've masturbated a gajillion
times and every boyfriend I've ever had has tried to make me have an orgasm. But no one could. I was left out of that world of bliss. I thought I was destined to forever think sex
just "felt okay." And then that night when I went into chat and confessed that I'd never experienced fireworks and tinglings, one dear sweet girl took pity on me. She mailed me a vibrator.
Yes, I now own a vibrator
of my very own. And let me tell you, I use it. I've been sexless for around 5 months, but it doesn't matter. This vibrator is better than any sex has ever been.
I finally had an orgasm.
Yessiree bob. But it was soooo much work. I think that I don't know my own body that well
, because it takes me at least 20 minutes to orgasm, but oh my god. I had no idea that's what it was supposed to feel like. I had no idea that I had the capacity for sensations like that within my body. It's amazing. It starts in your stomach, and expands until you have these crazy shock waves shooting out of your fingers and toes and your whole body shakes
How come a man could never make me feel like that? Seriously though, if it's that hard for me to do it to myself, what makes me think that any man could ever figure out exactly the right combination of buttons
to tweak? I've set an impossible task for them.
When I first started experimenting with my new love toy, I wasn't selfish at all. I had one orgasm and I'd just lay there and fall asleep, totally spent. But about a week ago I thought I was an expert and I decided I'd shoot for two in one session.
Oooooh that was a bad idea.
An hour and a half later I finally achieved number 2. If Number One
was electric shocks, Number Two
would have to be getting hit by a train or something, it was that intense. It was well worth the work and the time, but I just don't have an hour and a half to invest in that feeling.
The reason I'm saying this now is that I just spent 45 minutes shooting for Number Two and I failed miserably
. I get all frustrated and then I just set myself back more and it's so hard to figure out what to do and finally I just gave up and decided to crawl over to my computer and write a quick blurb about it.
Maybe one of the reasons it's so hard to have an orgasm is because I don't exactly have the most comfortable of conditions to work with. I have to lock my bedroom door and turn the radio
all the way up so my roommate won't hear that insanely loud buzzing from the next room. And as if the radio wasn't enough, I also have to cover it with a pillow and a comforter. And an hour and a half spent under a comforter with music blaring in my ears doesn't exactly bring visions of Antonio Banderas
naked and covered with mustard
to mind. Not that I was really trying to think of that...
As I lay there dying under a hot blanket I'm constantly scared that my stupid roommate
is gonna come to the door and ask to borrow money or something. That's so upsetting. I guess it would be similar to a guy losing an erection
, wouldn't it? My roommate is so inconsiderate. Doesn't he understand a girl has needs?
I must say I wish these little magic finger toy things came with instructions though. All it said was "do not use on swollen calf muscles". So of course the first thing I did was try to use it on my calves. I mean, if they take the time to put a warning about that on the box then that must mean that lots of people were doing it
, and if lots of people were doing it there must be SOME benefit to it. I thought maybe the root of the clit
was based in the calf muscles and you could have an insta-orgasm if you vibrated there.
Someone explained anatomy shortly after my retelling of the calf muscles story, and I now know exactly where the root of the clit is.
Unfortunately that knowledge did not make intercourse
orgasms any easier.
Some day I'll learn.