I discovered something about myself today.
I mean, I'm always discovering things about myself... that's what life
's all about really, so that statement is probably not a shock to you at all.
But it shocked me. I cried
. If you cry when you make a discovery it's gotta be something pretty fucking important.
fucked me up. That's what I discovered... in soooooo many ways.
You see, I think, by nature, I take care of people
. I'm a caretaker
. I like to have people depend on me, and I like to make sure that they're okay, and that they have what they need, and that they have the inspiration and the empowerment to fullfill their dreams
And Crystal was my first. My first real charge. I loved her and I protected her and I supported her and I encouraged her.
And then, the worst thing that could happen to any caretaker -- she died
. The ultimate failure.
I failed as a mother, as a legal guardian, as a protector, and as a friend. I let her die. It was me.
I should have known where she was that night, what she was doing. Why wasn't she with me? Why wasn't she at my house?
Because I kicked her out. Evil bitch that I am expecting her to work.
And I'm doing it again.
First it was Justin
, I took care of him. He worked but he didn't make much money, so I made sure that he was comfortable and happy and inspired and I let him follow his dreams of being a screenwriter and a director
and I did a good job.
And then there was Aaron. Aaron and his sweet search for his identity
... he couldn't be himself at home. He needed a place to escape to, where no one would judge him or badger him. He didn't make much money either and his parents weren't giving him enough to survive so without me he would have been at home for a long time
. I helped him, I took care of him.
And now it's Matt, my darling Matt. Matt has such passion and such love for music
, and he wants to be a musician. But he's so misunderstood
. I'm the only one that understands, that believes in him and that gives him the hope and the strength to do what he loves to do. I take care of my Matt.
One by one, I'm replacing her. Not replacing her, but making up for it. I failed once, give me another try. I can do it this time.
I won't let them die.
I'll put my heart and soul and life and body into it, and I'll sacrifice my personal space
and privacy and alone time and I'll give things up and martyr myself so that they can live.
So that they can be successful and happy.
Again and I again I bring them in, and I support them and love them and encourage and protect them. I can erase my mistake
with Crystal, I can prove that I really am a good mother
. I really can take care of people, I swear. I'm not a bad person.
I didn't mean to kill her.