It's been five days now. Five days since I decided I couldn't continue to kill myself...slowly...one cigarette at a time. I'm doing okay. So far I haven't bent - I still have my last packet, seven cigarettes remaining - untouched. I've thought about throwing the remainder away, about giving them away. I don't think I will...I think I want to keep them, to remind me. That in the face of temptation, I was strong enough to say no. I'm not doing this because my last packet has run out. I'm doing this because I've had enough...and fuck it, it makes no difference whether the means are there or not - I've said enough, and I mean it.
I have learnt at least one thing, that I feel the need to share though. It's something I haven't really heard connected to giving up, something no-one really mentions.
If you are
planning on quitting, try to plan ahead, and get some shares in a
pharmaceutical company!
In my bag right now, i have Bronchitis mixture, Nurofen, Sudafed, Strepsils anaesthetic throat lozenges, kava relaxation formula, and dry cough mixture!
It's the ultimate irony, that taking a step that should add years to my life expectancy, has caused me to feel totally awful. i guess I shouldn't be surprised though, after all this time pumping smoke into my throat, my lungs...toxic smoke that would destroy everything, including germs that normally cause sickness, and infection. But now the smoke's stopped...and I guess my immune system's a little under prepared for the sudden free-for-all my body's become. So now I suffer - punishment, I suppose, for the stress I've put my body through up until now. I'll endure the coughing attacks, the headaches, the pain in my chest. Because I know that after this passes, things will be better.
I'm not the only one facing a change in life though... I can't help but feel the total insignificance of events going on in my life, when Paul, a friend of mine, walks into my work office today, to tell me and my flatmate that he's just proposed to his girlfriend, and she's said yes. Wow. It's finally happening...my friends are starting to get engaged. That's the second one now. I can just imagine, a couple of years down the track, when they're starting to have families. It seems so strange to even consider now - but I know it'll happen. It really feels strange to think about going along to their wedding - up until now, I've only ever really been to weddings for family - cousins and the like. Seeing someone I've been drunk with, laughed with, given a whole heap of shit to (in a friendly way of course!), walking down the isle... Committing his life to another. Focusing his life on being with her...
I promised myself I wouldn't be sad....