I feel so tired today. 1.40pm, and there's still 3 1/2 hours left in this work day. Hay Fever's a bitch at times. I'm almost never affected by it, but today, my head feels totally stuffed up, my eyes itch, and are tired, I keep sneezing. Fortunately, I've been blessed with the ability to be able to coax a reluctant sneeze out, by looking at a bright light. It's almost 100% effective - also a heriditary ability, about 20% of the population possess. Photic Sneezing is the term - photic sneezers will often sneeze within 2 - 15 seconds of leaving low light, and entering bright light. I don't notice that so much...but I know I can almost always make myself sneeze if I need to. I hate loosing a sneeze - the release feels so good. I've had plenty of opportunity to practice today.

I get moody when I feel like this...and I can't help but wonder why other people have so much trouble picking up on these emotions. All I wanted to do at lunch time, was walk into the city, find a patch of sun, sit down and do nothing for 20 or 30 minutes... Just clear out my mind, not feel like I need to try and act appropriately happy, for the benefit of those I work with. So when I said that I was just going to walk into the city, simply wander around for a bit, and get some fresh air to clear my head...how did my friend and work colleague not realise that I just wanted some time to myself? So he invited himself along...I didn't have the heart to tell him I'd rather he didn't...and instead of being able to sit, and relax, we just walked straight in. I visited the ATM. Went to the chemist, for glorious throat numbing medications. Then walked straight back.

I'm not sure if getting out ended up refreshing me, or just pissing me off. I'm guessing option number 2...seemed that the people I passed on the street were giving me odd looks. I didn't look that angry, did I? I don't feel angry...just so tired.

So for the life of me, I can't really figure out why I choose today to give up smoking. Maybe it's because when I woke this morning, my throat felt dry and sore...but I still couldn't stop myself from walking outside, and starting the day with a cigarette. It hurt to smoke it...but I finished the whole thing.

How fucked up is that? Really...

I've got every reason to quit. I sing, and my lessons aren't going forward very quickly. Well, seeing as my lungs can't hold nearly as much as they should be, I'm not really surprised that I have trouble holding a note for very long. Of course, there's the money thing...but that's never really been able to provide the motivation I need. I hate having clothes that smell of smoke, that's pretty disgusting. The funny thing is, I started to smoke because I was lonely...instead of sitting in my room, staring at the walls, and going slowly mad, I'd go outside, onto the balcony that used to be outside my room, and I'd smoke. Now...I've had trouble stopping...because I'm still lonely. All this time, I told myself that I wasn't going to smoke for a long time...that if I met someone special, I'd be able to stop straight away.

I know who she is now...I know she doesn't like that I smoke. I've never touched her...but I know I love her. Where all other motivation fails...she's enough.

I'll let you know how it goes. In a fight that's going to be more mental than physical, I get to see just how strong I really am.