"So throwaway your baguas and forget your wind chimes - The Little Book of Wrong Shui will show you exactly how to misplace your wealth area, destroy relationships and flush all your money down the toilet."

The Longest Journey Starts With A Single Step

One of a series of Little Books published by Ebury Press in 1999. It is available for the reasonable price of £1.99 and written by Rohan Candappa. It details the author's quest for true enlightenment, following the teachings of Master Eu Plon Ka, a once-powerful man who lost everything on "a dubious consignments of beaks".

The concept of Wrong Shui is a simple one: the wrong object, in the wrong place, at the wrong time (to paraphrase the book). Over the course of the book this philosophy is detailed by many individual snippets of advice, spaced out with the occaisional anecdote from Candappa himself. The information itself takes the following form:

"You only have to ask"
"Activate the wealth corner of any crowded room by standing in it with a large kitchen knife and a sign that reads "Give Me All Your Money"

In addition to the above, we are presented with Wrong Shui astrology, similar to the Chinese Horoscope in the method of determining your sign, but differing in both the signs themselves and their meanings. The signs are:

  • The Shrub: Best suited to drab clothes and sheltered positions.
  • The Earwig: Very good at spreading rumours. No one likes earwigs.
  • The Macaroon: They have a pleasingly solid exterior, yet a soft, malleable interior.
  • The Grout: The least exciting people you could hope to meet.
  • The Artichoke: They don't fit in. For this reason most artichokes are often ignored.
  • The Cagoule: Very practical people. A Cagoule's idea of romance will often be a long walk and a packed lunch.
  • The Halibut: Just one long endless succession of opportunities. Totally lack judgement or perspective.
  • The Flange: There is something indefinably sexual about everything they do or say.
  • The Mump: Have the ability to engender mild irritation in everyone they meet. Quite childish in their outlook.
  • The Malibu:Hopelessly unhip, yet in their own minds, the very essence of "hip".
  • The Nimbus:Large, fluffy people with a similar attitude to life. Everything is a blue sky.
  • The Cutlery Tray Insert: Very anally retentive. Everything has a place, and should be in that place.
  • To all those fed up with Feng Shui, I would recommend this alternative philosophy on life. Just remember, "Always keep your back passage free of obstructions".
    The Legal Bit: All passages, extracts and quotations are taken from The Little Book of Wrong Shui, written by and copyright Rohan Candappa.