Well as I wrote on November 8th, hölleundhimmel has broken up with me spontaneously.

Our relationship of two and a half years is over. I am trying my best to handle this with grace and poise and maturity, while at the exact same time I am heartbroken and angry that she chose to sleep with another man as the vehicle for achieving the break-up.

if she had only had the courage to just tell me, "hey it’s not working out, I want to break up and this is a good time because you have to move from Bonn to Wiesbaden anyhow to start your new job."

Yeah, but instead this is how it went down.

Friday night I went and got this great new job doing PR for Opel. When I came home I changed clothes and went to my German class. The class was suppose to go out to this bar the Rosen Garten for dinner together, but few people had come that day so we postponed it. I ended up going out for coffee with this Spanish girl Maria from my class. While we were having coffee I called home but H. wasn’t there. I left a message saying I was at the Rosen Garten and to give me a call on my handy.

I came home around 7pm and waited for a few hours for her to come home. She didn’t. I thought we would celebrate. Around 9:30, I called my friend Frank and he came over to drink a bottle of apple cider and smoke a joint with me. Around 10:30 we went out for smokes. we came back and a little while later I noticed another message on the machine. It was H.

She said that she was out at a pub with some friends from work and that she was stressed and drinking a lot of beer. She said she didn’t know when she would be home. I instantly tried her on her handy, but she had turned it off. Frank stayed over till about 1am and then he left. I stayed awake waiting for H. till about 3 am and then fell asleep. At 11 the next day when I got up she still wasn’t home. So I called her best friend in Berlin, her mother and her brother, to see if anyone had heard from her. She had never, never ever in our 1 year living together not come home before.

I was worried sick that, god forbid, she had been in an accident. We even called the police.

around 2pm she finally called. She wouldn’t say where she was, but that she would be home in 20 minutes. I called everyone back up and told them she was indeed alive. She came home and I asked her if she had spent the night with another man. she said yes and that she wanted to break up and no longer live with me. I said this was unbelievable and yelled at her that she was completely immature.

Then I left.

I went to Franks house.

That was Saturday morning...

It’s been a long 5 days.

she’s another person now. Changed by this experience. Our friendship is over. Our life together is over. She feels no guilt or remorse. She says she wants to still be my friend, but I patiently tried to explain that friendship is based on compassion and trust and her actions flew in the face of those two things.

I can forgiver her intellectually, but I can’t forget how I feel. Every time I see her I think, there goes the most beautiful woman I have ever known. I wanted to live the rest of my life with her and have a family with her and she s sleeping with another man, a 20 year old foreign exchange student from America.

I think about books and us... she loves literature and her new boy lent her On the Road, which she’s reading voraciously. When I gave her books as a present, she never read one of them, not once in more than 6 months. this should have been a recognizable sign, but I blurred it over. When we went to Chicago last September I took her to see Paul McCartney. She didn’t dance despite loving his music. That should have been another sign.

I was blinded by love.

I’m still in love with her.

I am going out of my mind.

I am also free again. I have a new job to begin in January and a solo trip to the us for NYE ahead of me. I am alone again, yet I can do anything. the feeling is odd because for the last year I have placed this relationship above myself at almost every juncture. Now I can once again place myself first.

This is good, but I wish it hadn’t gone down this way. what else can I say, this is the most difficult moment for me in perhaps 10 years. My heart implodes and explodes consecutively. My first thought up on waking is of her and my last thoughts before sleep are of her.

Oh, woe is me.