Return to Colgate Total (thing)

[Colgate] Total was the first so-called [anticavity]/[antigingivitis] toothpaste. It was followed shortly by copycat [Proctor and Gamble|P&G]'s [Crest Complete].

[Once in a lifetime|Some may say], "This is not my beautiful wife; this is not my beautiful house; how did I get here?" To [Talking Heads|them], I have little to offer. But to the folks who wonder how Colgate Total can make such [miraculous] claims as "fights [tooth decay] and [gingivitis]," perhaps I can shed a little light on the matter.

Like every other [American Dental Association|ADA]-approved toothpaste on the market, Colgate works to strengthen teeth, prevent tooth decay, and fight cavities with the use of [Sodium] [Fluoride] (0.24%, to be exact). Because of its wonderful prevents-teeth-from-rotting-out-of-your-mouth properties, fluoride is already added to most city water supplies, but not at such a high concentration as is found in toothpaste. When you brush your teeth, the motion of the brush helps jar loose those little microscopic, tooth-decaying, [little robots of death|microbial bastards] that latch onto your tooth [enamel] during the day; meanwhile, the fluoride works its way into the tiny cracks of your teeth, repairing the damage that has been done and strengthening the enamel to help your pearly whites resist future attacks.

But what's all this "antigingivitis" crap? [holy shit|Sweet Jesus, that's a good question!] Let's get to that right away!

It turns out that [gingivitis] is caused by [plaque], and plaque is caused by [bacteria] that grow on your teeth and do all sorts of nasty things like host [house party|house parties] while you're away and never [I will REMOVE the fucking toilet seat if you don't shut up|put the toilet seat down] when they're through doing their business. Additionally, plaque tends to build up on your teeth, and eventually this leads to a wearing away of the gums, which we common folk call "gum rot" or "shit mouth" but doctors tend to call "[gingivitis]."

So, how do you prevent bacteria? With [antibiotics], of course! What, [Soylent Green is People|you didn't realize] that your favorite toothpaste had antibiotics in it? Well hell, [all your base are belong to us|you must feel like a pretty stupid shit now!] [I am morally superior|Ha!]

Here's the skinny on the situation: there's this [panacea] [antibacterial] agent called [triclosan]. Triclosan works by attacking the bacteria in all sorts of ways that are described quite well in the [triclosan|triclosan node], so I won't go all into that crap here. But suffice it to say, triclosan has been shown to kick all kinds of bacterial ass, so some time ago, people decided to start sprinkling that shit into just about everything in the world.

Heard of [antibacterial soap]? Hell, I have a bottle of [Dial] Antibacterial in my bathroom...hmm...I wonder what the [active ingredient] is? You guessed it! [Triclosan]. Antibacterial dishwashing detergent or deodorant? [Triclosan]. Antibacterial [condom]s? Hey, that's actually not such a bad [marketing opportunity|idea]...

Anyhow, so about the time people figured out that they could just go willy-nilly and put triclosan in any damn thing they wanted, Colgate got the idea that triclosan would be a great tasting active ingredient to add to their already award-winning cavity-fighting formula of "[secret sauce|fluoride and other shit]." And so they added some (0.30%, to be exact) and the entire world started buying it up faster than [Baptist]s buy [tequila]. And behold, a brand was made: Colgate Total became the best-selling [toothpaste], with the #1 [market share], in like 15 seconds or so. (Perhaps not quite that fast, but they did indeed shoot from [zero] to [#1] in record time.)

And in the end, we all win, because [overuse of antibiotics|the more antibiotics we consume], the better protected we are from [Dick Cheney|pesky little germy things]. (Except for the pesky little germy things that are [overuse of antibiotics|becoming triclosan-resistant] and, hell, maybe even [super killer robot|self-aware]; as they will one day [Continental Can and BELL|conspire] to [Goddammit, I should never have built that giant killer robot|rise up to destroy us] because triclosan is in every damn thing in the world and [Technological advancement that will destroy us all|they grow stronger by the minute], even without the assistance of [SOY! SOY! SOY! Soy makes you strong! Strength crushes enemies! SOY!|soy-related products].)

So in the end, [Thank you Mario! But our princess is in another castle!|the princess was saved], a [How to procure weapons of mass destruction|nation was reborn], [lesbians! monkeys! soy! google!|people were united in hope], and our mouths were all [Mr. Clean will clean up everything you hold dear, leaving you crying, sanitized and utterly alone|much cleaner] at the expense of our [the night is my SOUL!|very souls]. A [Kill em all, let god sort em out|small price to pay], indeed.