Well, let's see. Perhaps the addition of some finite mathematical terminology will assist us in understanding the problem.

  • w = one wood unit

  • (a movable and discrete amount of tree, (for the purposes of our discussion here) about the size of a Prest-O-Log (you know...those paper-wrapped cylinders made of wood chips and impregnated (not like that you filthy monkey) with inflammable (yes, I know inflammable sounds intrinsically wrong...take my word for it when I tell you it means "very flammable")(what?)(Don't give me that attitude, Miss Thang. You take it up with the dictionary people. I didn't decide how the stupid word was supposed to be spelt.) chemicals and secret spices to burn like the dickens (please don't write to me and explain how "the dickens" is not an appropriate colloquialism, nor even a colloquialism at all. I really don't care. Why don't you get together with the people who dispute the validity of "inflammable" and beat an answer out of that Webster 1913 chap. He seems to be quite clever indeed.) and emit "realistic flames" just like real wood would if it weren't so darn hard to obtain in the supermarket, unlike the aforementioned ersatz "logs" which seem to live and breed between the charcoal briquettes and lighter fluid (whoever thought that piling all the combustible things near the matches and explosive liquids should have to sit down with my son Timmy so they can appreciate just how stupid it was to locate said elements in said places. Timmy can explain why he will have to work in the mines for an additional three years to afford elementary school since his father had to pay to have the entire "Picnic" aisle of the downtown Safeway replaced after Timmy's "experiment" with "fire" went awry.) and feature those ingenious little string closures (I'm still finding shreds of white string everywhere in the house. "Easy open" my ass.) instead of glue.)


What was the question?