A general rhetorical refutation of the position "X sucks",
A rigorous refutation in the form of proof by contradiction,
To be performed in some public space, in the audience of those who contend that "X sucks",
With all appropriate dramatic and satiric delivery as necessary, &c., &c.

(Please substitute the value of X to your liking.)


I've recently received reports indicating that certain individuals hold the opinion that X sucks. That's right: sucks. This came as a shock to me: how can so many people be so terribly beguiled by a brutish, devilish lie that sickens me even to grant it thought?

This canard is no case of mere misinformation, but the equivocal work of Beelzebub himself. And as such, I will, with the help of the Spirit and heavenly Muse, attempt to emend their perverted ways.

Oh artless gentlemen, think of what you say! X sucks? Fie! Why, even a cursory examination of your words leads to the rueful conclusion that they make no contact with logic, art, love or truth at any point. And indeed, the deeper you understand them--oh Heaven!--the more horrific they become.

Think of images associated with sucking--a newborn babe, suckling his mother's breast for the nourishment that brings life and satisfies his spirit; or a young child, sucking his thumb in fear of the acrid, black night and the horribly disappointing world upon whose doorstep he has been left like a downtrodden, unwashed doormat; or the powerful floor-sucking ability of the incredible Hoover® WindTunnel™ Supreme vacuum cleaner (a steal for only $299!) that beautifies your home with more suction power than that of any other competitor.

Imagine these things, I say, and you will immediately see that X can do no such sucking.

Nay, gentleman, it must, as I shall now endeavor to prove in agonizing detail, be engaged in a very different (and mayhap, worse) action than the “sucking” which you propose.

Consider this: for one to “suck,” one must be capable of producing an attractive force powerful enough produce a partial vacuum that draws a given object towards oneself (as via a stream of fast-moving air) as the result of a disparity between pressures. And thus sucking requires the ability to surmount such natural attractive forces produced by the likes of gravity, electromagnetism and the nuclear forces via the introduction of an external force which acts upon the object being sucked so as it draw it towards the source of the force.

It is quite clear, then, that X has no such external attractive forces (save a certain force that seems to draw certain gentlemen like yourselves to declare, lemming-like, that X sucks; and yet this can hardly be seen as a force exercised by X itself, but is, perhaps, if I may be so bold as to venture my professional opinion, the result of a rather severe psychological disorder on the part of such aforementioned gentlemen).

Ha! I certainly have you pinned there!

Now, I would rest my case here, but I am interested in more than merely pointing out the errors of your ways; indeed, I intend not only to dispel the seed planted by the Devil, but also to sow new seed and thus let you reap the fecund harvest of Truth.

For you see, X does not suck; it blows. Big time. Like the bellows. Like your mother.

Think only of the difference between, say, inhaling and exhaling, and I think you will see exactly what I mean.


Please note: I did, in fact, write this. I note this at the request of an editor.