Another scary dream...
I am in a big city. People everywhere. I look around at all the people. They talk, they walk, they smile, they laugh. They are alive. I approach one group of people. I gather my wits, get over my shyness, and go to introduce myself. They are gone. Everyone gone. I am left alone. I walk around the city and people stand in their doorways, looking out. I try to approach them. They close their doors. Alone again. There is an open door. It looks so warm, so inviting. I enter the door. A group of people, all about my age. I go up to them and something is wrong. They are all looking down at me. They are huge, but I am tiny. They laugh at me, make fun of me, turn their backs to me. Alone yet again. But what's this? Someone is with me. I turn around to meet her gaze, and....
If anything in my life has ever been certain, it is the fact that I am a natural slacker. If there were some kind of competition of procrastination I would be reigning world champion. There's no particular reason why I do it, I just do it. I am the captain of the school's cross country team, yet I miss half of the practices and half of the meets. Go figure. Maybe it's the people I am exposed to for the majority of the day. Immature, selfish, inconsiderate, unsympathetic, uncaring... Am I the only one who sees this? Maybe there's something wrong with me.
I got the first test I took in my AP Biology class today. 69. That's the worse grade I've ever gotten on any test. But I don't care, it's Friday. Why am I so excited for Fridays? All day long I hear about this person's drinking party, and how these people are going to smoke pot all weekend, but what about me? I have nothing to look forward to. Have I ever? Probably not. But it's Friday. Amazingly, I find myself at practice today. I don't think I've been at practice since last Thursday. I get all the expected "welcome back" greetings from some people, some people probably didn't even notice I hadn't been there.
So here I am.. Friday Night.. What am I doing? Well, I ate dinner if that counts for anything. I sit here listening to my radio and just thinking. I think about a lot of things. I like to think. I hear the sounds of loud music coming from down the street, knowing exactly what's happening at the party. I was there once. Sometimes I wish I were there again. It's not hard to act "cool" and "popular", but that's exactly what it is.. an act.. Do people realize this? But to be accepted again. That's something I've always longed for since I decided to "go against the flow". Nah, I know who I am. I'm not like that anymore. If I want to live, I live for myself. To hell with other people's expectations and reservations. Maybe someday they'll realize that. So another Friday Night party with me and my thoughts. Cheers!