I am so very disappointed in this election.

I lost my bid for Forsyth County District Soil and Water Conservation Supervisor.

When I found out that there were no candidates on the ballot for the position, I thought I would be a shoo in. I immediately began a long and grueling grassroots campaign to write me in that consisted mainly of me standing on the sidewalk and yelling for passerby to "Vote me for Soil and District Water Conversation Supermabobber!" and that "A vote for me is a vote for dirt!" I thought I was doing really well when a grizzly redneck in a pickup truck drove by and stuck his middle finger out of his window while yelling "Fuck you, hippie!" I assumed he meant that I was number one.

But lo and behold, when the write-in election results came in today, I had only one measly write in vote. That vote may or may not have come from me. Even Ralph Nader got more votes than I did.

I lost by a 3 to 1 margin to Mickey Mouse. I lost by a 5 to 1 margin to Hugh Jass. I lost by a 8 to 1 margin to Seymour Butts. I lost by an 18 to 1 margin to some joker named Jesus Christ, who, frankly, I suspect isn't even a resident. I have it on very good confidence that he's from Nazareth. I don't think that's in Forsyth County. Hell, I don't even think that's in North Carolina.

Screw this. I'm demanding a recount.