Living in a sinking submarine may be shit, but now I have fuzzy bunny slippers and not a one of you can stop me from smiling.

Welcome to Tedd and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day, not an Infocom game. Really. Do you need instructions?

> y

Too bad. There aren't any. Life's tough, huh?

Your Bedroom

You wake up to a dark room. It seems to be either very late or very early. You feel like somebody's been playing an XFL doubleheader all over your body. Your left ear is over-pressurized, most likely signifying an ear infection. You are baking like banana bread in your covers. You need very much to urinate soon.

> n

How can you move when you're all wrapped up in your covers?

You need very much to urinate soon.

> get out

Of what?

> get out of bed

Ow! Crunch! You hope whatever that was wasn't important, even if it did hurt.

Warrior needs to urinate... badly. We mean it.

> n

Tiny Hallway

It's dark here, but, if all is right and well with the world (which it isn't), you know that your living room is to the east, your bedroom is to the south, and your bathroom is to the west.

Honestly, though, before you go anywhere else, you should really pee.

> w

Bathroom

What's with all these dark rooms? You hope there's still a toilet here.

> use toilet

You have added five points to your score.

Ah. Much better. While leaning your hand against the wall to balance yourself, you inadvertantly flip the light switch.

Bathroom

God, this place is a mess. Comic books are on the back of the toilet, towels are tossed willy-nilly, and, though the odor here isn't one typically found in bathrooms, it certainly is quite the stench.

On the whole, though, it has all the usual fixtures (a sink, a shower / bath, and a toilet), and all in working order, no less.

Also, you notice thanks to the light that you are quite naked. Luckily there is a bathrobe here.

> get bathrobe

Bathrobe taken.

> wear bathrobe

You have added five points to your score.

You notice a lump. Luckily it's in your pocket and not on your person.

> i

Inventory:
In bathrobe:

bottle Roxicet
bottle generic antibiotics
Dul-X Recovery Bath salts
used kleenex
rope

> empty pockets

Emptied.

> draw bath

I'm sorry, but your Harvard Education is showing again. Could you dumb that down for me, your highness?

> use bath

Hot water comes pouring out. The tub should fill up any day now.

> z

Time passes.

> z

Time passes.

> z

Time passes.

> z

Time passes. Okay, Captain Nemo, it looks like your bath is full.

> use bath salts

Brilliant, Einstein. You gonna eat those or what?

> use bath salts in bath

The bath now smells like a hospital. That was the desired effect, wasn't it?

> enter bath

You have added five points to your score.

Calgon, take me away! For the time being, you forget that your back feels like a percussion section after Tito Puente night. You even remembered to take off your bathrobe before getting in the bath! Your dear sweet mother would be so proud, moron.

Time passes.

The water eventually gets murky and cold. You unplug the drain and feel like you can finally get some sleep.

> e

Tiny Hallway

It's dark here, but, if all is right and well with the world (which it isn't), you know that your living room is to the east, your bedroom is to the south, and your bathroom is to the west.

> s

Your Bedroom

Who knows what dangers lurk in the heart of this room?

> enter bed

You crawl back into bed. Your back still hurts like hell. It will be impossible to get to sleep.

> i

Inventory:

bottle of Roxicet
bottle of generic antibiotics
used kleenex
rope

> open Roxicet

You see six magic little pills.

> i

Inventory:

Roxicet (6)
bottle of generic antibiotics
used kleenex
rope

> use Roxicet

Suddenly all your pain is gone. The ceiling paints itself in hypnotic swirls. Stars dance in the sky above. All is calm and painless.

Time passes.

When you finally awake after a blissful ten-hour-long slumber (the song Lazybones comes to mind), you realize it is light. Day. That which you've spent your entire life avoiding. As such, you have died.

Your score is 15 out of a possible 23005, earning you a rank of Grue Food.

Would you like to (S)tart over, (R)estore, or (Quit)?

> r

I'm sorry, but your Harvard Education is showing again. Could you dumb that down for me, your highness?

> q

I'm sorry, but your Harvard Education is showing again. Could you dumb that down for me, your highness?

> s

You can't go south. You're dead. Really. We wouldn't lie to you.

> l

You can't look. You're dead. Or faking it really well.

> z

Time passes.

After a few minutes you realize you are, much to your disappointment, still rather on the alive side of things. That doesn't mean you want to leap out of bed any time soon.

> get out of bed

Your Bedroom

You actually sleep here? Christ, man. There's dirty clothes everywhere, a spare assortment of posters on the walls, and a small family of rodents roasting chesnuts in the corner. Not really, but this place seriously is a sty. Luckily there's an exit: to the north.

In the harsh light of day, you realize the unavoidable object you crushed last night was your limited edition signed Hulk Hogan Hummel figurine. A moment of silence please.

> n

Tiny Hallway

Much lighter now, thanks to that blasted sun, you can make out faint wet spots on the floor. You really had to go last night, didn't you?

There are exits to the west, south, and east.

> e

Living Room

Home sweet garbage dump. You really know how to keep a house, duder. There are piles of compact discs everywhere, bookshelves full of movies, tables with books piled atop, and a damned ugly chair to match the lovely too-comfy-sofa-and-love-seat set. There is a TV here and an old Young Ones cassette in the VCR.

There are exits leading to the office (south), outside (east), to the hallway (west), and to the kitchen (northwest).

You see a pair of pants here and a set of keys.

> get pants

Pants taken.

> get keys

Keys taken. Your mailbox key calls to you for some reason.

Your ear buzzes a bit to remind you that antibiotics are a good thing in your case.

> consume generic antibiotics

You have added ten points to your score.

You feel much better. Placebo effect works wonders.

> wear pants

You shed your bathrobe and put on some goddamn pants. The world joins in on a Halleujah chorus.

> nw

Kitchen

It's not so much a kitchen as it is "the part of your living room where you cook and consume food". There is an island, part of the "thoroughly modern kitchen suite" that all the kids are crazy about this year, except it's covered with more random books, letters, past due bills, and the like. There's also a stove, which you are vaguely familiar with the operation of, and a microwave with which you are intimately familiar (hubba hubba!).

There are exits to the west (and the stairwell outside your apartment) and the southeast (and your living room) here. Memorize these in case of water landing.

There are some multivitamins here. There is a large pot here. There is a t-shirt here.

> get multibitamins

Sorry, Helen Keller, but I don't see any 'multibitamins' here.

> get multivitamins

Multivitamins taken.

> eat multivitamins

You have added five points to your score.

Breakfast of champions. You feel like you can almost face the day now.

> get pot

Pot taken.

> get t-shirt

T-shirt taken.

> wear t-shirt

The world is now well informed of your No Fat Chicks policy.

> w

Stairwell.

Not many places to go here: either east to your apartment, west to the non-stop coed party flat, or downstairs.

There is a mountain bike here.

> get bike

Right. Where are you going to put it, down your pants? Let's leave that alone for now, shall we?

> d

Downstairs

The insidious rays of the Satanic Death Orb shine through the door to that dreaded place known from legends as "The Outside World". Many have attempted to conquer this realm: all have either died or ended up working for AOL-Time Warner-Microsoft-General Motors-Mobil-Omnicorp-CompuGlobalHyperMegaNet, "the people company", a division of YugoStarbucks Inc.

Which is worse we cannot say.

There are exits up and north.

> n

Outside

Curse you, foul sun! As you are blinded by the rays of the sun, you simultaneously realize you could burst into flames faster than a protesting Buddhist if you stay out here for too long. Hope you know your way around, bucko.

> w

Outside

All is white. You can see nothing, hear nothing, smell nothing, taste nothing, and feel nothing.

> s

Outside

All is white. You can see nothing, hear nothing, smell nothing, taste nothing, and feel nothing.

> s

Outside

All is white. You can see nothing, hear nothing, smell nothing, taste nothing, and feel nothing.

> s

Outside

All is white. You can see nothing, hear nothing, smell nothing, taste nothing, and feel nothing.

You stub your toe on something vaguely mailbox like.

> unlock mailbox with mailbox key

You unlock your mailbox and get your (most likely bad) news and (in all chances uneventful) letters.

Your brain feels like microwave popcorn, and someone just hit the popcorn button.

> n

Outside

All is white. You can see nothing, hear nothing, smell nothing, taste nothing, and feel nothing.

> n

Outside

All is white. You can see nothing, hear nothing, smell nothing, taste nothing, and feel nothing.

> n

Outside

All is white. You can see nothing, hear nothing, smell nothing, taste nothing, and feel nothing.

> e

Outside

All is white. You can see nothing, hear nothing, smell nothing, taste nothing, and feel nothing.

> s

Downstairs

Ah, blessed A/C. Truly this gift is one that could never betray mankind.

> u

Stairwell

> e

Kitchen

Upon entering your apartment, you hear a dripping sound, like rain or your dad in the Macy's changing room. It seems to be coming from the southeast.

> se

Living Room

The dripping sound now seems to be coming from the west.

> w

Tiny Hallway

You can hear that there now seems to be a thunderstorm localized entirely within your bedroom to the south.

> s

Bedroom

Hey, how nice! Your landlady apparently relocated your shower to the bedroom! Think of the convenience! I hope she doesn't charge you extra for this.

More than likely what happened, though, was your central A/C system finally got tired of man's hubris and decided to take it out on you. Hope you got good mail.

> n

Hey, ace, how about doin' something about this goddamn leak! I know you're not leaving to go get materials for an ark.

> place pot under leak

You have added twenty points to your score.

Now the carpet won't be ruined. It's a start at least.

> i

Inventory:

Roxicet (5)
bottle of generic antibiotics
used kleenex
rope
pants (worn)
keys
mail

> examine mail

Aside from the usual "lose weight quick" offers and Radio Shack catalogues, you find two items of interest: a letter from your sultry internet lover and a bank notice.

> examine bank notice

DEAR SIR OR MADAME:

YOUR CHECK, MEMO FIELD "RENT" WAS RETURNED FOR THE FOLLOWING REASONS: INSUFFICIENT FUNDS, WE'RE MALICIOUS FASCIST BASTARDS HA HA HA.
Fuck.

> examine letter

To keep it short, you've been dumped for a fountain pen. Don't worry: at least both of your hands can still grip and yank.

> cry

You have added five points to your score.

There there. Let it all out. I bet your computer still loves you. Or does it?

> n

Tiny Hallway

> e

Living Room

> s

Office

Here your computer glows like the happy robot it is. There are also various instruments gathering dust throughout the room.

> use computer

You have added five points to your score.

WINDOWS ZORK, TEXT BASED GUI

"Where do we want you to go today?"

Select an option:
• (E)verything2
• (F)reecell
• (M)inesweeper
• (Q)uit
> E

Everything2

Ah, Everything2. The alpha and the omega of the Internet experience. Between the five minute page loads and the sophisticated intellectual discourses, why would anyone want to go elsewhere?

Hey, look! Here's a new writeup in one of your favorite GTKY nodes! Let's downvote it!

Time passes.

Time passes.

Time passes.

Time passes.

Time passes.

Time passes.

Time passes.

Time passes.

Time passes.

Time passes.

Something in the cheddarbox catches your eye. It is a message from your other lusty internet lover telling you to open your front door. Visions of saran wrap and sugarplums dance in your head.

> Q

You shut off your computer. It sings a remorseful verse of "Daisy" and goes quiet.

> n

Living Room

A cadre of trained monkeys juggling kittens and knives holds court atop your television set. You'll get to them later.

> nw

Kitchen

The stove is on fire. You have more important things to attend to.

> w

Stairwell

You open your front door to find a pair of fuzzy bunny slippers staring at you. Despite the fact that your day has been an uninteresting mass of stupidity causing you to question your constant desire for immortality, the fuzzy bunny slippers warm your heart and cause you to melt into a pile of goo.

You are Smitten.

Game over. ideath wins. You have scored 70 out of 23005 points, earning you the rank of Supsuckafrog.

Would you like to (S)tart over, (R)estore, or (Quit)?

> _




(at least half of these things are true. at least.)