10 Reasons to Re-Elect George W. Bush

1. George W. Bush has been directly responsible for bringing hundreds of known terrorists to justice, directly making the world a safer place.

Thanks to its dedication to social inequality, its liberal gun laws, and its tenacious war on drugs, the United States already brings ordinary murderers to justice at a rate more than five times that of comparable wealthy democracies. Now, through its high-minded refusal to engage in futile 'nation building' in countries it invades, its uncompromising efforts to eliminate possible terrorists through extrajudicial murders overseas, its refusal to be encumbered by antiquated international laws and treaties like the Geneva convention, and its uncritical support for Israel's ongoing suppression and colonization of its conquered Palestinian territories, the Bush administration is ensuring that tens of thousands more will be brought to justice over the coming years and decades. Only the election of one candidate can guarantee a long-term war on terrorism by raising up new generations of villains.

2. George W. Bush increased the annual contribution limit on education IRAs from $500 to $2,000 per child, ensuring educational futures for many.

Apart from genuinely helping many American families, the Bush administration is incidentally providing other benefits. By simultaneously offering no help to those without the means to save for education and removing some of the middle class's interest in more affordable university education, George W. Bush is ensuring that the distribution of opportunities in the United States remains as it is.

3. George W. Bush has now authorized faith-based charities to receive federal funds, meaning that many more charities are now eligible for support.

By providing federal funds to faith-based charities, George W. Bush has defended several cherished American values. First, government money is now available to organizations that push traditional values, especially (but not restricted to) those of traditional American Christianity (i.e., that flavour which discards the injunctions of the bizarre semitic tribal deity Yahweh against eating shellfish and his unpredictable violence, while retaining his ambiguous dislike for homosexuals; and which likewise sets aside the goofier aspects of Jesus' teachings, such as meekness, compassion, and living in communal poverty, while keeping his views on not having sex, upper-class tax cuts, glass churches with KFCs in them, and periodic hysterias about witches, satanism, and heavy metal music).

More importantly, through this policy of shifting responsibility for poverty and other social problems from economic policy and society at large to private charities, George W. Bush relieves people who aren't interested in those things from having to pay for them. This is an important advance in individual freedom.

4. George W. Bush has provided $13 billion in grants to First Responder units (FY '02 to FY '04), helping to ensure public safety.

By providing vast funds for these types of heroic measures, George W. Bush has made it clear that no expense is too great when it comes to assuring the public that the sort of sudden emergencies that might affect them personally will be dealt with promptly and well.

5. George W. Bush made $33 million available for abstinence education programs in 2004, helping the youth of America make better informed and safer decisions.

By stressing the 'don't have sex' approach to sexual education, George W. Bush is promoting one of the greatest of American values, that of neurotic sexual puritanism. Echoing the 'just say no' approach that underlay the resounding victory in the war on drugs that has reduced substance use problems to a footnote in history books, George W. Bush is working to cultivate the ignorance and inner conflict of our own generation in that of our children. This will ensure that teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases will continue to be virtually unknown in this nation.

6. George W. Bush brokered a peaceful resolution to a twenty year diplomatic crisis with Libya.

Restoring relations with Libya, the most pressing concern of American foreign policy for decades now, is a colossal triumph, next to which other international problems fade into insignificance. Libya, once an enemy, has been conciliated, and its loveable leader may in future be as important an American ally in the middle east as Saddam Hussein or the late Shah of Iran.

7. George W. Bush led a strong diplomatic effort in the Sudan, ending a twenty year civil war in the nation that resulted in two million deaths.

Solving the crisis in Sudan entirely through the power of rhetoric, with no need for material intervention, is one of the Bush administration's greatest triumphs. With a prosperous democracy blooming and a grateful Sudan calling down blessings on America, nothing now rings more false than claims that American foreign policy is completely self-interested. By deploying almost as many words on the question of Sudan as were used to eliminate the faint possibility of weapons of mass destruction or terrorist ties in Iraq, George W. Bush has demonstrated his deep belief in the value of all human life. The energetic response to this dire humanitarian crisis has shown to the world that the death of an innocent in Sudan is just as unacceptable as that of an innocent in New York.

8. George W. Bush sponsored a $15 billion Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief, providing the largest single financial support against the spread of HIV and AIDS in history.

By insisting on buying only name-brand pharmaceuticals, blocking international agreements on generic drugs, and emphasizing abstinence-based prevention programs overseas, George W. Bush has seized the unique opportunities that AIDS pandemic presents to preach pathological puritan sexual morality to the developing world and to bring foreign aid back to its traditional roots: Bouncing it back to benefit politically connected domestic corporations.

9. George W. Bush was responsible for revising the Department of Housing and Urban Development's Section 8 rent subsidies to disabled people, permitting them to use up to a year's worth of vouchers to finance down payments on homes.

A proposal that could be genuinely useful to the functional, middle-class disabled. The nation's severely mentally ill will also benefit, by reducing the strain on the resources of America's streets and alleyways.

10. George W. Bush has put himself in harm's way repeatedly in an effort to inspire the nation in a post-9/11 world.

Whether dramatically landing on an aircraft carrier, pitching at a baseball game, or posing for photographs with our boys overseas, George W. Bush has repeatedly demonstrated the leonine personal courage that has been his hallmark since the days of Vietnam. Having succeeded in inheriting the nation's highest office where a poorer man might have died in Vietnam, been ruined by business failures, or spent years in prison for drug offences, the personal virtue of George W. Bush continues to inspire the nation through some of its darkest times.