I decided to give some of the techniques in the Meditation
node a try, and last night I experienced something amazing. After relaxing for a bit, putting on some quiet Radiohead
and turning off all my computers
, I shut my eyes and began to try to bring myself to peace
. My limbs
went totally numb and it was just me and the music, then out of nowhere, I had the last 5 years of my life
appearing before me.
I saw a little girl give me a URL on a blue piece of paper. I saw myself crying over a laptop screen. My love life or lack thereof followed, Bernadette, Tanya, Nicole, and I realized why they didn't like me. Then it moved on to the first time I met Ramsey, and how much of an ass I was. Every mean thing anyone had ever done to me, in a series of images and voice samples, followed by every cruel thing I've ever done to people, things I had forgotten forever, things I was ashamed of having said. Then it all faded into happy things, the first time I saw porn, the first time I jerked off, happy times with friends watching movies, smoking pot. I saw a man telling me of my lack of organizational skills, a woman telling me I was depressed and that she was worried. I saw myself break down in the school caffeteria for fear of what my parents would do. I remembered my last religious moment. I relived every 10 minutes of fame and every hour of agony, in pictures and sound. I saw my parents call me a "failure" in a voice sample of sorts that kept repeating, followed by a quick burst of images of every teacher/principal bitching at me. I felt the pain of being ignored by someone who I liked, then I felt the guilt of ignoring them back.
Somewhere in the middle of all that, I felt as though I was flying, but not asleep, I would open my eyes, and the imagrey would continue, burned in to my retinas, I could shift the focus of the thoughts, but only by connecting them with others, which was what this entire thing was about. All of these ideas connect to one another and they all seemed to serve as a reminder or warning of how not to do things.
I was pretty amazed at all of this, after about an hour, I started to pull myself out, and then climbed into bed for the night.