First, I'd like to apologize for the overly caustic content of a couple of my recent posts. The main problem is that my only means of transportation stopped maturing at the age when she learned what a thrill it is to poke a puppy in the eye with a stick. Yes folks, my mother.

The only times I fantasize sexually anymore is either when A) I'm watching porn, or B) when I see a woman who looks anything like the blond that just started working in the local hardware store.

My two main fantasies these days concern my mother. The first: to jam a 10 gauge long tom shotgun up her ass chambered with a high-brass round of salt until it bottoms out on the roof of her skull, then pull the trigger and continue to kick the phone just out of her reach until she bleeds to death. The 2nd: to ram a wooden pool cue up her ass then break it off and stab her in the face repeatedly with the splintered, jagged stub left over until she's dead.

I will be kind and loving to all at her funeral, and every mother's day until I die I will go to her grave and take a big greasy hangover shit on it, then smoke some crack and fuck a hooker.

Aren't I a good son?