Begin dream...
I dreamed my
father abandoned me (again). I was staying at his house for winter break, everything was very
wet and snowy. One day he went out of the house for a little while with his fiancée and later called me to say he they were going to
Guatemala. I don't know for how long.
I went out and sobbed over this to some religious figure, perhaps a
rebbitzin. Then I came back to my father's house, to find three pieces of mail inserted in a little cubby on the door. One was a bill, I think, and the other two were postcards thanking him for purchases he had made, gifts for his fiancée. The first post card thanked him for purchasing a
vibrator, there was a silly
pseudo-Victorian cartoon printed on it whose speech bubble said it hoped his "
clitoris was happy". I flicked on the light switch, but
no light came on. Then I remembered that my father's fiancée had intended to get something done so that the house were brighter lit. So I hunted around and found a set of new light switches on the door, I flipped these and a number of lamps came on. They may have been in other rooms though, not where I was standing.
I was at my father's house with my littlest
brother (7) and
sister (11), they were lying on the floor. I told them that he abandoned us, though really he had abandoned them a long time before. I had wanted my little sister to visit me up at
college, but my
mother had never allowed her to (because I'm a
bad influence). So my mother and I agreed that my sister could visit my apartment up in
Ithaca,
so long as I wasn't there. So I was just supposed to put my little sister on a train, tell her how to get to my apartment, and how to get in, and what to eat there, etc. But I wasn't allowed to be there with her. And in the dream she was 5 years old.
I was at the
train station with her. She was so much younger, she looked like a
doll. I was horrified, I kept asking her, "What will you eat?". She answered, "
cereal," and I remembered that I didn't have much milk left. I visualized it clearly, the jug of milk in my little refrigerator with just a tiniest bit of milk left in it, cold but probably
sour. I remembered that I had to give her the keys to my apartment, which were on my belt. But as much as I intended to give them to her, I couldn't, so I never did. And between the two of us there was only one
train ticket, so I was trying to decide if I would put her on the train or go myself. I tried to reason this out with my mother but she
snapped at me.
The train was coming in the station. The two of us were on the right side of the platform but for some reason I had to rent a
video for my little sister to watch when she got to my apartment, and the movie renting store was on the other side. So I ran across the tracks in front of the train. I intended to rent a video- I checked and saw I had just a $5 bill- and run back, before the train pulled entirely in. As I ran one of the people working at the station
yelled at me. At the same time that I was considering this
money situation, I wondered if I could get onto the train with my sister, even though i didn't have a ticket, wondered if the
conductor would accept payment in check-card while on the train. And I was still running, and the harder I tried to run, the slower I actually moved. And once I got across the tracks my sister decided to follow me, so now we were both on the wrong side of the platform.
Except, there really was no platform, it was just a stretch of ground surrounding the trian, with people standing on either side. And there was just one train, but if you entered it form the right side you'd end up going North, and if you entered from the left you'd end up going South. When the train pulled all the way into the station, it curled its front car around in the opposite direction like a
sleeping cat. There was room for us to cross back around it to the right side. I apologized to my sister that I had no time to rent her a movie.
I don't remember putting her on the trian.
But I must have, because the next thing I remember I was noding about the entire incident. The write up was disjointed and written in the style of a
traumatized child. The entire time I was writing it I told myself, "This is
polluting the database, don't post it!". Then I posted it anyway, and immediately resolved to post a nuke request, in which I would explain that the posted incident really happened, but apologize for writing it up as poorly as I did.
...End dream
A dream about a train. Yes, I had sex yesterday. Yes my father's fiancée has come between the two of us, last year my father kicked me out of his house. Yes he had more or less abandoned my younger siblings years before. Yes my mother doesn't allow my siblings to visit me at college. This is the first time I've actually noded in a dream. I don't actually have an apartment. There is no passenger train service between New York City and Ithaca.
Waking up after passively killing your sister in a dream is a bad feeling.